Hell of a name for a vessel full of seamen !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all for your comments.

looks like it's gone from dark black to light blue now.

so maybe back posting soon.
only down side is we got rid of one of our profiles(peeing in my knicker)which we started for a bit of fun, should have seen some of the pm's we got on that one.hehe.

south girl has said she dos'nt want to take any more photos, as she says she is big and fat.
so have posted the last two photos up from us.
just off to pack all her sexy gear away in the loft,the sexyest thing i will see here in now is a full length night gown.
just come back from three weeks away took 1000's of photos but only 9 for nn!! all posted now. and as for sex whats that,still trying to remember the last time.

steve

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional" leader. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

THIS IS REALLY CREEPY!

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going, Don't stop . . .

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name

Almost there.........

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level

Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?





Of course they don't.......

Now smack yourself in the head, get a life and quit playing stupid e-mail/blog games!



P.S. you didn't learn anything from my last blog. hehe

You must follow the rules on this one exactly, otherwise it won't work. It's really scary how this works out. NO CHEATING!!!!

1 First, get a pen and paper.
2 Second, write the numbers one through six.
3 Next to number one, write any number...
4 Next to number two, write the name of anyone to which you are really attracted...
5 Next to three, write down the first color you can think of...
6 Next to number four, write the name of your first pet....
7 Next to numbers five and six write down the names of two family members...
Remember...no cheating.....

Keep scrolling down........

Don't cheat, or you'll be upset.......

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Here are the answers....
The number next to number one show how many times you should be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid e-mails/blogs like this actually mean anything....

The person named next to number two is someone who will never sleep with you because you're stupid enough to waste your time on something like this....

The color you picked means nothing. It's a friggin' color for petes' sake...

Number four gives you the name of a dead animal....

Numbers five and six represent family members who are embarrassed to be related to you.....

Pass this on to everyone you know, so they can feel like a schmuck too.

another one later so come back then.

The difference between men and women....

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking:...so, that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse???" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"NO!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

back at work monday 05-30am.
driveing back from london later today on the bike,south is stopping down for a few more days yet.
so if you see a overloaded bike on the m11-m25-m1-m6, give us a flash.

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, even marriage, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car ( +1)
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station (-1)
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb (+1)
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am just as the truck pulls away (-1)
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish (+1)
You leave dishes in the sink (-1)
You leave them under the bed (-5)
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father ... or her pet (-10)
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (or looks like it) (-
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump (-5)
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed" (-6)
That woman is her sister (-90)
You have one drink, and that's it (0)
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-1
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
You unclog a stopped-up toilet (+6)
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit (+7)
You get rid of a dead rodent (+
You remove the collie from the thresher (+12)
You take her mother to see Cats (+16)
Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together (+3)
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional (0)
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk (+3)
Most of it chips and beer (-6)
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
Or refinishing the floors (+16)
Or rewiring the basement (+17)
Or adding a second floor (+1
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket (-6)
And you're tickled pink about it (-15)
You visit her parents (+1)
You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television (-3)
And the television is off (-6)
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
And you didn't even go to college (-10)
And it's not your underwear (-15)
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player (+3)
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing (+4)
And you stink (+2)
And you're not half bad (+5)
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause (-2)
You give her a gift (0)
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance (-10)
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance (+1)
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate (+2)
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months (+30)
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
With her credit card (-30)
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big (-40)
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely (-10)
You forget your anniversary (-20)
You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25)
Which is in Newark, New Jersey (-35)
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50)
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)
A Night Out
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called Death Cop 3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)
Grooming
You trim your nails (+5)
You trim your nails in the living room (-10)
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat (-15)
You shave on the weekends (+2)
You don't shave on the weekends (-4)
You don't bathe on the weekends either (-
But then, neither does she (-1)
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
You lost the directions and end up getting lost (-10)
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town (-15)
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal (-25)
You know them (-60)
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-30)
(A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble something like, "I Love You, honey..."

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)
Good luck!

If a man speaks in the forest
and there is no woman around to hear him,
is he still wrong?

Friendship is covering for each other...
On Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew about it.

On Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over.
And two claimed that he was still there!

Brain transplant
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say."Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked.

Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."

Punctuation
An English professor wrote the words:
"woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Fabric Softener
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory! You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
One Day in Eden...
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Perfect Shot...
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind speed and direction. It was driving his partner nuts!!
Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!!!"

The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, Man," the partner responded. "You''ll never hit her from here."

An Argument...
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

Fine Wine
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with... -- a woman
Mama Bear
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could get used to that.
And another thing; before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. That wouldn't bother me, either.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up.

He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.

He likes it.

I wish I were a bear.

New Survivor Show
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done:
There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off based on performance.
The winner gets to go back to his job

White men are dumb!
When white men discovered this country, Indians were running it.
No Taxes. No Debt. Women did most of the work.
Indian men hunted and fished all the time.
White men were dumb enough to think they could improve a system like that!
One Sunday Morning in Church .....
A few minutes before the service started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, the Devil appeared at the front of the Church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So, Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope"

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Married Men Only Need Apply
When the new factory opened up in town, the Human Resources Department posted a sign: Married Men Only Need Apply. A local women's group, outraged at the policy, confronted the HR Manager. "Why do you only hire married men? Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, what?"
"No, Ma'am, not at all," the manager responded. "It's because we want employees who are used to obeying orders, accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when a manager yells at them."

Hey! Wait a Minute...
I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in our road except one." And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."
Huh?
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Seeing Her
A married man left work early on a Friday. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the entire weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"

"That would suit me just fine" he replied.

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her, just a little, out of the corner of his left eye.

Counseling
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

So Much for Assertiveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Communication
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife, Peg, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to one another."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Inheritance
Since he would inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

When will men EVER learn?

Self Confidence Boost
A husband and wife were getting ready for bed. The woman stood nude, looking at herself in a full-length mirror and said, "I see an old woman. I've got fat legs and arms, a wrinkled face, and a flabby stomach."
She turned to her husband and begged, "Tell me something good about me.
I need a little self-confidence boost".
He studied her for a moment and then said,
"Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

His service will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 AM at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

Mood Rings
My significant other, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.
From 0 to 200
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "You know I need a new ride... Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped to win these kinds of contests.

Who Does What
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"

Laundry
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma"

And they say blondes are dumb...

Happiness
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."