who's going to be the 20,000 viewer on our blog?
at 19,991 now.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite...JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Daddy's Rules for Dating

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Your dad's rules for your boyfriend

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)

Men and marriage...


A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, and buys several new outfits to dress up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he. . . . . . . . . Married the one with the largest breasts.

New Evening Classes For Men

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ALL ARE WELCOME. OPEN TO MEN ONLY.
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE
How To Fill Ice Cube Trays
Step by step guide with slide presentation
Toilet Paper Rolls- Do They Grow On The Holders?
Roundtable discussion
Differences Between Laundry Basket and Floor
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
Dishes And Silverware; Do They Levitate/fly to Kitchen Sink Or Dishwasher By Themselves?
Debate among a panel of experts.
Loss Of Virility
Losing the remote control to your significant other Help line and support groups
Learning How To Find Things
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
Empty Milk Cartons; Do They Belong in The Fridge Or The Garbage Can?
Group discussion and role play
Health Watch; Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
PowerPoint presentation
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks?
Driving simulation
Living With Adults; Basic Differences Between Your Mother And Your Partner
Online class and role playing
How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
Remembering Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To Be Late
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
Getting Over It; Learning How To Live With Being Wrong All The Time
Individual counselors available

Cats and Teenagers

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For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best source of advice is not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Miscellaneous Military/Govt Jokes
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why We Speak English ....
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half-dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.

Service?
In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Selective Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. ---"v c" (mentioned in LangaList)

Ah, those Marines
A crusty Marine Corps Sgt. Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt. Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sgt. Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sigma's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sgt. Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sgt. Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."

Not That After-Shave
An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." Proceedings for a court martial began almost immediately.

Back In France
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.

Oops! Caught!
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied,
"I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Benefits of Rank
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,
"Yours is."

The Toddler Diet

-----------------------------------------------------------------

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.

You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-aid and suck up with a straw.

REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!

Parent's Dictionary

--------------------------------------------------------------


AMNESIA:
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING:
the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK:
the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME:
what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS:
the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE:
a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT:
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW:
the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL:
when your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF:
a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE:
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK:
where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING:
when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL:
able to whine in words

WHODUNIT:
none of the kids that live in your house