Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of intelligence (hopefully). Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield wisely. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

Why dogs are better than children
1. Puppies are cheaper than babies.
The going price for babies on the Internet is as much as US$15,000, according to this CNN story. Unicef reckons that the international trade in human babies is worth as much as US$25 million a year, with some parents prepared to pay as much as US$20,000 to secure a choice specimen of babyhood.

Puppies can be had for free from your local pound. Even if you want to buy a purebred puppy from a reputable breeder, you'll probably pay no more than a few hundred bucks.

2. With babies, you don't have a choice of breeds or bloodlines.
One of the most fun things about choosing a dog is that you get to choose between hundreds of breeds, each with its own physical characteristics and temperament. If you want a baby that's not the exact same breed as you are, the best you can do is crossbreed and make a mongrel in the process.

Similarly, with babies you're stuck with the questionable contents of your own gene pool. Any registered dog breeder can provide you with comprehensive, verifiable information about your puppy's family history. You may be a bitser but your dog doesn't have to be.

3. Getting a puppy won't give you stretch marks.
Women: you don't have to kiss your youthful figure goodbye just because you need to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet around your home (extra bonus: you get twice as many tiny feet). You also won't have to endure morning sickness, midnight cravings, post-natal depression or hours of painful labour. You will not visibly lactate every time a dog barks in your neighbourhood, either.

4. Puppies can be housetrained.
You will never have to change your puppy's nappies. With careful housetraining, an eight-week-old puppy can be taught to go out back in a week. True, they'll never learn to use the toilet, but imagine how easy parenthood would be if human babies could be taught to crawl through a flap in the door and shit in the yard?

5. You don't have to put your puppy through university.
You also don't have to buy a puppy the latest clothes, music, or video games. Apart from a little obedience training, there are few educational costs associated with dog ownership. Your puppy will never ask to borrow the keys to your car, and will never call you in the middle of the night to tell you they've wrecked it. A puppy will not insist on playing heavy metal music at an ear-shattering volume in your house, nor spend it's entire adolescence on the telephone while you are expecting an important call.

After a lifetime of gently introducing puppy to progressive ideas and paying for a university education, a puppy will not repay you by joining the Liberal Party and becoming a real-estate agent.

6. It's permitted - indeed encouraged - to render your puppy sterile at an early age.
Parents of teenage children will immediately understand the attraction. Just imagine how easily you'd sleep tonight would be if young Jason or Britney had had their gonads removed when they were six months old.

You can also have your puppy microchipped, and force it to wear a collar tag listing its name, address and your phone number, so that it can be immediately returned to you should it stray.

7. Dogs live twelve, fifteen years at most.
Which, when you think about it, is about the point at which most parents begin to really regret having kids. Even if you grow tired of little Rover, there's no shame in putting him up for adoption after a few years trial run. Children, however, tend to harbour grievances against their parents if they do this.

Chances are, you will outlive your dog. You will get to see it grow from a gangly puppy into a responsible, protective adult, you will nurse it through its senescence and it will pass away loving you as much as it did the day you brought it home. You don't get this kind of closure with kids.

8. You can have sex in front of your dogs without scarring them for life.
You can also get drunk and take drugs while they're around, forget to feed them every now and again, let them go months at a time without a bath, tie them up in the street while you go shopping, and leave them alone and unsupervised from an early age ... all without attracting the attention of the social services. Dogs won't discuss intimate details of your life with other dogs, and even if they do the other dogs won't be able to tell their humans what a pig you are.

9. It's OK to call your dog 'bitch'. Which is better than having your human children do it to you.
Your dog will never call you names, resent that you don't make as much money as their friends' parents, or put you in a retirement home. Your dog will accept discipline when you give it, and will learn from its mistakes.

Puppies have long memories when it comes to important things, like: it's not OK to go through the garbage, no matter how good it smells; but very short memories for unimportant things like: I was just going through the garbage and that bitch/bastard yelled at me. Human children are the exact reverse.

Are You Ready for Children?
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fishfinger behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego. (If Lego are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Weetabix or Cheerio's) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more new ones and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the assistant to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your wages to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.

Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Sneaky Bunny
One day Mr.Bear and Mr.Rabbit are walking through the forrest when they come across a genie in a bottle.

They rub the bottle and the genie appears, and seeing that there are two of them and the genie hasn't been rubbed up and down for a while he decides to do a special offer...

"3 wishes each, that's 6 in total boys, now who's first up.. Mr.Bear?"

"OK" Mr Bear replies, "Well i wish that all the bears in this forest were hot looking girl bears!"

The genie winks at Mr Bear and grants his wish, he then turns to Mr Rabbit...

"Well, in that case i wish i had a crash helmet" says Mr Rabbit.

The genie grants this wish and asks mr bear for his second wish...

"Well, I wish that all the bears in this country were hot looking girl bears who were hot for me!"

Aha! says the genie with a sly grin and a wink, your wish is granted..

"OK, well now I want a motor bike" says Mr Rabbit. Mr Bear looks at Mr Rabbit in disgrace and then uses his final wish.

"Well seeing as how Mr Rabbit keeps wasting wishes I could be using i'm going to make this one really count. I wish that all the bears in the world were sexy girl bears all for me, I wanna be the only guy bear so i can have em all!"

The genie is pleased with this wish and gives Mr Bear a nudge in the ribs.

"Your wish is granted Mr Bear, you horny devil!"

Finally, Mr Rabbit uses his final wish.

"Well, I wish Mr Bear was gay!!!!" and takes off as fast as he can on his motor bike!

Inexperienced Curry Taster
Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."



Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy.



Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.



Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?



Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!



Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!



Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.



Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

QUESTIONS
*********

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor in America
when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON to stick to
the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when
you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do Americans drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called
cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why do American always call for the cheque, and then give one back to
the waitress?

Hazardous Materials Data Sheet
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: ♀
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg-225kg
OCCURRENCES:Copious quantities in all urban areas
Physical Properties
Surface usually covered in painted film.
Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
Melts if given special treatment.
Bitter if incorrectly used.
Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
Chemical Properties
Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
Common Uses
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can be a great aid to relaxation.
Can be an effective cleaning agent.
Tests
Pure specimen turns rosy when discovered in the natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Hazards
Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimen don't come into direct contact with each other.

Cakes and Ale
Legend has it that a bright young student at Cambridge University had unusual request. During an examination one day he popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor:
I beg your pardon?
Student:
Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor:
Sorry, no.
Student:
Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Updated Timesheet Codes
MEMO FROM ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code & Description

5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
6969 Beating off in Broom Closet
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
8102 Laughing while reading e-mail

25 Rules

Here is some advice which might help you build a healthier relationship.

25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
24. Check your oil.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
22. Nothing says "I love you" like a blowjob in the morning.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
19. Share the closet.
18. Share the bathroom.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
like it.
13. You have too many shoes.
12. You have enough clothes.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
9. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like
every other cat.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
3. Don't make us guess.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.