A Survey
A study in Sydney showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features, and if she is premenstrual, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a rake jammed up his arse.

Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."

Energizer Bunny Death Notice
AP August 1, 2009 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

Interpreter to the Mafia

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all
the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat
from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job ;
if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the
police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of
their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The
deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy
to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The
interpreter signs,"Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood,"He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about"

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector.
"NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still
doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the
balls to pull the trigger."

Americans vs. Canadians
The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in Oct. 1995. Reprinted in the Memorial University campus newspaper.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision..

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US MISSOURI. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Canadians: THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE. Your call.

An object in motion...


This story was related to me yesterday at lunch by a fellow manager, who heard it from his dad (guaranteed true...) Phenomenal testimony that physics shall not be denied, with some small humor value as well.

This story involves railroad cars, Denver and a fascinating gadget used in auto wrecking yards called a "chipper." Apparently this device is fed old auto carcasses, and it in turn produces manageable-sized "chips" of metal.

Seems that on this eventful evening, four gondola cars were filled by a chipper and headed out of Denver around dusk. Somewhere along the track, on an uphill grade, something mechanical failed on one of the cars, and the train pulled to a siding to uncouple it. The dutiful crew chocked the wheels with rocks, wood chunks, etc. and then proceeded to unhook the car.

Seems no one had the slightest idea of the mass being packed in that unit, as the rocks/wood held it in place for about 6 seconds. Since the crew had not yet re-switched the tracks (they thought the rest of the train would be returning to the main line) the gondola car soon found itself back on the main trackline, heading back into Denver.

The engineer sprinted to the engine and full-throttled the thing after the car. After 15 minutes, he still didn't even have a visual on it, so he abandoned the engine, flagged down the nearest car, and drove to the nearest station, from which he radioed the situation that this car was cranking toward town and no one knew exactly where it was.

The station crews immediately calculated the correct combination of switches to route this car on the straightest course thru Denver, the rail yard, and out the other side, then remotely downed every crossing gate they could, followed by dispatching crews, cops and civil servants to down the rest of the crossing arms manually and staff the intersections.

Several witnesses testified that the gondola car passed their locations at between 85 and 90 MPH.

Whilst traversing the rail yard, the car was xxxxxx to execute a slight left-hand curve in the track on its way out of Denver. The "post mortem" revealed that the curved section of track was "stretched" and displaced 8 feet to the right by the car.

Immediately upon leaving the yard, two of the fastest engines they had were dispatched, full-throttle, in hot pursuit of the errant gondola car. Since dusk had now turned into evening, no one could get a visual on the car, but it did proceed out of Denver until it hit yet another uphill grade, at which time the pendulum effect took over...

The drivers of the engines (serially-coupled) suddenly saw a dark blob approaching them on the track, They quickly (?) slammed the engines into reverse, but could see after about a minute that they were not gaining any ground on this car, so they jumped from the cab.

One of them, looking back at the impact, noted that, although the mass of the two engines was sufficient to stop the car, the front coupling assembly of the lead engine was obliterated, and the front engine was "lifted in place and set back down" by the impact.

The Engineer's Song
(Sung to the Tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
Unix that is ... hard drives ... workstations;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
Intel that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;

On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life

Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...

Good Luck, Mr Gorsky
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usually common traffic between him, & the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr.Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just a few years ago, (On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr.Gorsky had finally passed away and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Engineer Speak
Engineer says: A number of different approaches are being tried
Engineer means: We are still grasping at straws

Engineer says: We're working on a fresh approach to the problem
Engineer means: We just hired three kids fresh out of uni

Engineer says: Close project coordination
Engineer means: We know who to blame

Engineer says: Major technological breakthrough
Engineer means: It works OK, but looks very hi-tech

Engineer says: Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured
Engineer means: We are so far behind schedule that the customer
is happy to get it delivered

Engineer says: Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive
Engineer means: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

Engineer says: Test results were extremely gratifying
Engineer means: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works

Engineer says: The entire concept will have to be abandoned
Engineer means: The only person who understood the thing quit

Engineer says: It is in process
Engineer means: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the
situation is hopeless

Engineer says: We'll look into it
Engineer means: Forget it! We have enough problems for now

Engineer says: Please read and initial
Engineer means: Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake

Engineer says: Give us the benefit of your thoughts
Engineer means: We'll listen to what you say as long as it
doesn't interfere with what we've already done

Engineer says: Give us your interpretation
Engineer means: I can't wait to hear this!

Engineer says: See me/Let's Discuss
Engineer means: Come into my office, I'm lonely

Engineer says: All new!
Engineer means: Parts not interchangeable with the previous
design

Engineer says: Rugged
Engineer means: Too heavy to lift!

Engineer says: Lightweight
Engineer means: Lighter than rugged

Engineer says: Years of development
Engineer means: One finally worked

Engineer says: Energy saving
Engineer means: Achieved when the power switch is off

Engineer says: Low maintenance
Engineer means: Impossible to fix if broken

more...


Engineer says: Adjusted during testing
Engineer means: We hit it with a hammer

Engineer says: It took some persuasion.
Engineer means: We hit it several times with a hammer.

Engineer says: It must be the fluffer valve.
Engineer means: I have no fucking clue why it stopped working. (or, I have no clue why it started working again... but I'm going to take the credit for it)

How To Bath A Cat
1.Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2.Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3.Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4.In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5.Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6.Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog