Things You'd Rather Not Hear During Surgery

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Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor--we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!!
Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie.

Oh, no. I just lost my Rolex.
Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Shoot-fire, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back--I lost my contact lens.
Could you stop that thing from thumping; it's throwing my concentration off.

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses...
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
This patient has already had some kids--right?

Sunbathing Nude On The Top Of A Hotel

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A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"

"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man.

"You are lying on the dining room skylight."

Gifts for Men

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The Holiday Season is just around the corner so here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life! Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8 inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to any NFL or NBA game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

Asking a girl on Friday for a date on Saturday is completely unacceptable. Keyword: Planning
Shave every day. One day's growth of facial hair is worse than a girl not shaving her legs for a week.
We may be emotional beings, but do not lie to squirm your way out of trouble. We are not as gullible as you think.
Learn to clean up the toilet. If peeing standing up is so difficult and you are bound to miss, then may we suggest that you learn to use a toilet brush and sponge to clean up after yourself.
We really don't find it attractive when you stand there stratching yourself in the morning, afternoon or night- please do it in private.

Don't do it, if you're not going to follow-thru. A woman would rather not have sex at all, than to have it and miss the climax by a mile because you weren't up for the challenge.
Don't fix it if it's really not broke. You don't need to take everything apart out of curiosity.
Ask for directions
If you said you are going to be somewhere at a certain time, then do it. Don't expect us to wait around.
Professional Wrestling and Soap Opera's are the same story lines, just different costumes. So don't make fun of us for being hooked on Y&R when you are hooked on WWF.

"I don't feel like talking right now" is an acceptable thing to say- Unacceptable thing to do is sit there and pretend you're listening and just say "uh huh" and "yes Dear"- it's condescending.
Get rid of your holey underwear.
If you can ogle so can we!
One remote is ENOUGH... no need to have a control tower in your living room.
Couch Potato is not a sport, so don't try to be an All-star at it!

Your way is not always the right way. Learn to say- "I was wrong"
If we can't talk to you during a football game, then don't try to get our attention during Ally McBeal.
If you say you are going to do something, then just do it. Don't sit around thinking of creative excuses why you couldn't get to it.
We are not your mothers, so don't expect us to clean up after you like one.
SkyLine Chili is not considered a romantic dinner for two.

We have other friends of the male gender, so leave your jealousy at the door!
If you concede to let us decorate the house without any input from you, then don't complain when everything is in frilly flowers, and pink motif.
When wearing a dress shirt, wear an undershirt underneath. Nothing worse than seeing a man's hairy chest and nipples through his shirt. (PINK PINK PINK)
Hey, we CAN be friends with our ex's- so deal with it!
We understand that you have to put on a manly act in front of your friends, but in the privacy of your own home, it's okay if you just want to cuddle.

*BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN**


1st baby: *You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.*
2nd baby: *You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. *
3rd baby: *Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

_____________________________________________________*
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: *You practice your breathing religiously.*
2nd baby: *You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.*
3rd baby* : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.


________________________________________________*
The Layette* :*

1st baby: *You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.*
2nd baby: *You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.*
3rd baby: *Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________*

Worries:

1st baby: *At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.*
2nd baby: *You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.*
3rd baby: *You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

______________________________________________________*
Dummy:

1st baby: *If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.*
2nd baby: *When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle..*
3rd baby: *You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

______________________________________________________*
Nappies:

1st baby: *You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.*
2nd baby: *You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.*
3rd baby: *You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
____________________*

Activities:

1st baby: *You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.*
2nd baby: *You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.*
3rd baby: *You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

______________________________________________________*
Going Out:

1st baby: *The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.*
2nd baby: *Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached...*
3rd baby: *You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

______________ ________________________________________*
At Home:

1st baby* : You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.*
2nd baby: *You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.*
3rd baby: *You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

______________________________________________________*
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: *When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.*
2nd child: *When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.*
3rd child: *When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his pocket money.



GRANDCHILDREN:*
God's reward for allowing your children to live!

Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this Officer.
This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

The Rules of Conflict, according to the various American forces...

US Army Rules

Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
Have a plan.
Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot...

Navy SEAL's Rules

Look very cool in sunglasses.
Kill every living thing within view.
Adjust speedo.
Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules

Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
Locate individuals requiring killing.
Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

Marine Corps Rules

Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
Curse bitterly.
Curse bitterly
Do not listen to 2nd Lieutenants, it can get you killed.
Curse bitterly!

US Air Force Rules

Have a cocktail.
Adjust temperature on air conditioner.
See what's on HBO.
Ask "what is a gunfight?"
Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
Hurry to make 13:45 tee time.
Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules

Go to Sea.
Drink Coffee.
Deploy Marines

Good Advice, Military Style
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF
"When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Think outside the box
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President gets tired of the bickering and decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear, who is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!