"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Suspected crack in windshield.
(S) Suspect you're right.

(P) Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
(S) Took hammer away from midget

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

Sometimes stuck for something to say? Need a comeback for the office for someone who's being particularly annoying? Then, try some of these! (Don't expect to make a lot of friends though)

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted world-view.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Does everyone visualize duct tape over your mouth so early into the conversation?
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
Are you a freaking ray of sunshine every day?
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You!... Off my planet!

Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

You! Off my planet!!
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the Earth.

Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
So many men, so few who can afford me.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all... I just can't remember it all.

My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody...and you're next.
And your point is...?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

For all you who do or don't have kids...

Kibble and water are cheaper than formula and diapers.
They have more hair when they are born.
Dogs never forget to "go" before they leave.
Dogs can go on long trips without yelling "MOM HE'S TOUCHING ME!!!!"
Dogs never grow out of being kissed in front of their friends.

Dogs don't wear holes in the knees of their trousers.
It doesn't matter how much dog hair a Dog gets in its mouth.
You can cage a dog without going to jail.
Dogs don't "backwash" crackers when sharing your soda.
Dogs will watch classic Star Trek with you and won't laugh at the special effects.

Dogs hide their "blankies" in their crates rather than dragging them around in public.
It's OK and even encouraged to tattoo your Dog
The older a Dog gets, the more they like you.
Dogs don't ask why. Dogs don't ask why. Dogs don't ask why.
Dogs don't roll their eyes when you insist Dogs today have it easier.

Dogs stick their tongue deep inside your ear canal; children use a pencil.
Dogs don't jump on the bed; they just quietly shed in them and lay on you,considerately adding to your warmth.
Dog poop is easier to get off the wall than crayon.
When Dogs don't listen to you, it is because they cannot understand the complex human language.
Dogs have tails, making it easier to grab them as they run away.

No one passes you a Dog with a loaded diaper.
Dogs dig for buried treasure in the litterbox. Kids won't even dump the litterbox.
When Dogs interrupt you making love, you don't have to explain that the two of you are "wrestling to see who does the dishes."
Dogs don't grow out of their shoes every 2 1/2 months.

Dogs, when entering those teen years, are neutered.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky". "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Sport."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall # 3."
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
Dont use any punctuation
Use, too...much; punctuation!
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

Sing along at the opera.
Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies. (warning: you can get arrested for this, but that can be instructive too)

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."



While on the subject of insanity at work...
Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

"Home. I can't work in the dark."

Well, it's the dog days of summer break. My little returns to school on Monday. The last minute touches are being placed on the reports assigned for the break. Attention is being placed on keeping that tan just right and of course every day must be started by sleeping late.

I remind my little one that her three week break is just about over. Her homework must be ready to turn in. No exceptions. She admonishes me to be more sensitive when talking to her. To be more politically correct. In fact, she gave me this list of terms to be used for kids.

Political Correctness For Kids
Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage restrictive."
Kids don't get in trouble anymore; they merely hit "social speed bumps."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore; they're "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy; you're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot; you're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore; it's "speedy transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful; it's "digestively challenged."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically disinclined."
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class; you were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office; you're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

Last one's for now till i find somemore.

Nicknames
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

Eating Out
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.


Arguments
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Mistakes
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

ENDING RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled All Men Are Idiots. Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you! I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there'll always be a chance for us." This is known as the I HateYou/I Love You drunken phone call. 99% of all men have made this call at least once.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and mustard. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will only dress up for weddings and funerals, and then under protest.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were from about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.

EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a sportscar he can barely fit his fat rear into.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, requires at least 6 batteries to operate or requires some sort of remote control device to make it operate. (Example: R/C or Slot cars)

JEWELRY:
Woman look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone. Whoever determined that men look good with body piercing and external ornaments undoubtedly was named Bruce.

TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."