My wife didn't believe me when I said I could make a boat out of spaghetti...
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You should've seen her face when I sailed straight pasta!

There's a nudist convention going on in my town next week.




I might go if I have nothing on!

Was watching the film,

'A Perfect Murder,' with my wife,

and she told me she was getting scared.

"Is it the story line?" I said.

"Not really," she replied.

"Stop taking notes."

Me and the wife were sat watching a documentary about plastic surgery earlier..

"Oo, I'd love a bit of that." She said, dreamily.

"It'd be great to step out with a different shaped nose."

So I've swapped the doormat for a rake.

I was sat on a public toilet when a man put his penis through the glory hole in my cubicle.

"Nice knob," I laughed.

"Thanks," said the man,

"Can you make him happy for me?"

So I pulled out a pen and drew a smiley face on it

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said,
"that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,
"it wakes me up!"

Two women are chatting in an office.
Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"
Woman 2: "Yes."
Woman 1: "Was it good?"
Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"
Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"
Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"
Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home,there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

A man buys a budgie and when he gets it home it just keeps repeating
"I'm a Scottish budgie! I'm tough as fuck!"
After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a kestrel and puts it in the cage.
"Let's see how tough you are now!" he says.
The next morning he comes downstairs and the kestrel is dead.
The budgie says,
"I'm a Scottish budgie! I'm tough as fuck!"
So the man buys a buzzard and puts it in the cage.
The next morning the man comes downstairs and the buzzard is dead.
The budgie says, "I'm a Scottish budgie! I'm tough as fuck!"
So the man buys a golden eagle and puts it in the cage.
The next morning the man comes downstairs,
the eagle is dead and the budgie has no feathers left.
The budgie says,
"I had to take me jacket off for that fucker!"

HR Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put
the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The
doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green
of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and
standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that
she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and
cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they
talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at
night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and
lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy
(kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was
having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
Incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank..

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.


You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected!