The wife's back on the warpath again.

She was up for making a sex movie last night,

and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

"What is your name?" he asked.

"John," the guy answered.

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"John," the guy answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.

"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more.
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,
as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface,
other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice,
using their vestigial wings and beaks,
until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about fucking penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!

Oh quit fuckin whining, I fell for it, too

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special offer.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,
'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster,
and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special offer.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock,
the Store Manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says,
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are the seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey my son," says the Pope,
"what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks,
"Excuse me your Excellency,
but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,
thinks for a moment and answers,
"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare,
silencing them.
Dopey turns back,
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now,
again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says,
"Mr. Pope! Are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap,
rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor,
tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting....

"Dopey fucked a penguin!
Dopey fucked a penguin!"

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls to-day.
The most common one is:

"You said you'd be home from the pub three fucking hours ago!

The Mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little PVC number,
fishnets and high heels,
handed me a beer and told me to sit back and relax,
and when she comes back,

she'll "do what she does best!"



I cant wait -



I love shepherds pie!

My wife was changing a plug.
I stood behind her and at the perfect moment I pulled a party popper.
She collapsed in shock and I took her to casualty.
When she came round,
I said,
"Don't you EVER fucking well say I never surprise you or take you anywhere again.

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'

'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

'I pay you $300.'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400.'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoe's from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?'.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
His owner,disgusted,
puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer,
he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies,

"Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"