A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful female giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.



The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.



The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"



The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."



The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"



The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.



She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?"



The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."



The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"



"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.



On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."



The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"



The farmer said, "Holy smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"



The old lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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An American congressman goes into an Indian reserve to talk with the chieftain about the future of the USA.


The chieftain looked at the congressman and said wisely.



Pay special attention to the illegal immigrants, we underestimated this problem.

I took my dog to the park today and played frisbee with her.

She was useless.


I think I need a flatter dog.

Steven forgot his anniversary and his wife told him she wanted a gift in the driveway tommorrow that went from 0 to 200 in 6sec.


The next morning the wife found a box wrapped up in the driveway.

she brought in and opened it and it was a weighing scale.



Steven has been missing since Friday.

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.



The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.



The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.



The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Note from south.
Just because you have to go to Blackburn to get a battery for the quad, does not mean you can go on a beer run and see how many bottles you can get in the topbox.

In my defence there was still lots of room for more beer.

Penguins can't fly.





I can't fly.





Therefore I am a penguin.