Dreamingof_U's Blog - page 105

The whole spun glass ornament is just 3 1/2" long from top to bottom, the tiny dragonling less than 2" long, itself. The eyes are black polished stone beads, all hand sculpted by me, cured, then painted with gold leaf, and opalescent paint. I've been creating dragons many years. Glad I bought more clay and found my stash, including my tools for working the polymer clay. I'm in love with this wee one already.. just too bad I was having issues taking good enough photos. For now these will do.

for the end of my marriage(finally soon to be over), and the end of the year makes me more and more aware of all the changes that have been made within me, and my life... And, of what I have to look forward to.

I am now preparing for the future. Mine, and that of my daughter... And hopefully I'll be preparing for some section of my life with the man of my dreams, whomever he will be.

One man I'm hoping in, I'll admit, I hadn't even imagined wanting the way I do now... Hadn't expected our friendship to turn from platonic and fascinated by one another, to overjoyed and needing to spend time on a regular basis together.. for now, only on the phone. My friend with the palsy issues, the man who seems to continue to impress me, and some of my friends who watch out for me, in how healthy he is emotionally, and how poignant our emotional connection are now.. truer treasures than my collection of faceted gemstones. Anyway, I'm eager to have this very special man, my best friend, come to see me towards the beginning of the new year. He's made me a request... to have lasagna prepared and ready for when he comes to spend time with me in my home... And yes, he's eager to be there with and for both myself and my daughter. They have a mutual appreciation for the importance of each of them in my life... and have delightedly chosen nicknames for each other. he adores her and calls her my Mini-me. And she calls him something that at first shocked me, but they're both fine with it and like that easy sassy way they banter around me. He's become one of the most important men I've ever had in my life... And even though it's been via internet and phones for well over a year, I'm pleased at how our friendship has grown from buddies to something much more richly sweet, pure and deep. For me, it is an interesting melding between my purely angelic side(YES, I really do have one) and my lusty, seductive and sinfully sensual side(most of those who've played camming games in the past, or been with me up close and very personal know this side of me). And for me with this sweet sexy laughing man, I couldn't imagine something more perfect.
By the way, There are some wonderful men here, who've proved there is love and desire, and goodness in them as well, which make them very desirable to me. One in Texas, who's become very precious to me... Many who're married whom I love and adore... And a few other dear men I love for who they are... Whokens, with his open honesty and eloquence in simplicity, TuxedoJuncion who is deeper than the ocean... Muzzleloder16 for his dear and stunning self... Johnwad, who's tender and dear and a sexy man, artisitc, who's pleased to assist me with my studies of the human form, ThinkandHard another man who sends me someplace both higher in light and mind and hmm sexually... metal, DC and dc, Hardnightsnight, and others who've touched me someplace deep inside. I can't fully touch on all the names of the dear men, and women that I love here... But my friend hears about some of you rather often. He's never come here, but he respects my love of my friends on NN, and enjoys the photos I've been willing to share with him, that I've posted here, for you. Unlike some of you from before I'd removed my nudes here, have seen much more of me, he never once has. We've never played sexually in any way, he and I. I refuse to, for I want him to want it enough to experience in person, if he really wants to see, touch, and witness that side of me. There HAVE been times that he confesses he's been frustrated agitated that I'm so unfair to him... But then he catches himself in that and reminds himself that I love him so much I want to give myself to him in person. Only then can he ask for and receive anything else that he might desire from me, later. But he's got to want me strongly enough and love me enough to make it worth his money time and sacrifice of anything close to pride.
That time is fast approaching. He's made that clear, and every time we speak he expresses his adoration and admiration of something about me. I'm excited to wrap myself around the man who's become such an integral part of my life even from nearly 2,000 miles away from me. I can hardly bear the joy of knowing I'll get to kiss his imperfect face, scatter tears of joy over him, and make love to the man I've wanted since I heard his voice.
There is one more thing before i close THIS part of my blog. Two days prior to our first ever conversation, I'd dreamed of hearing two old people in a very sassy sweet and loving conversation. I recognized the woman, that was an old woman version of myself, still breathy and bedroomy... Lust filled even as an old woman... no surprise, eh? And the man chattering and laughing with and over her sass and silliness and expressions of her lusty self.. Towards the end of the dream, he'd called the woman Dreamy. This is HIS nickname for me. It has been since before I'd made this profile here. And I loved hearing the old man in my dream. Though honestly had been stunned at the clarity of the old man's love and absolute tenderness towards his sassy woman.
When I heard my dear friend's voice for the first time, his smile and laughter could be heard... as an echo of that which was in my dream. I've loved that voice since I heard it in that dream and held my tongue until months later, when I shared it with him. I still love that voice, and his smiling laughter.. That chuckle that sends me to heavenly arousal and peace... It does, and he does. And even if all we'll ever be is close friends after we touch and spend some time together which to me will merely be the finalization of the intimate closeness that we now share... No matter what, our friendship will have been one of the greatest gifts I've ever had.
It is a template for what I'm looking for between myself and the man who will be my soulmate and lifelonglove. And I can't complain about that one whit.

My divorce is almost finished... we submitted the documents on Friday, the 23rd of November 2012, together. And hopefully this will be the last visit with him, to the courthouse. He'd left multiple kinds of messages for me the day before TurkeyDay, implying the need to expedite my efforts. It seems his fiance is anxious for this deed to be done. *sigh* And I'd seen it as the best Birthday gift I could possibly give to him.

Thing is, there's more to that. She'd seen something in him besides the willingness to plunk down over a grand on her ring ASAP, and engagement prior to a divorce being finalized as perhaps wrong. The engagement is off, yet he was talking as if it's all proceeding nicely. The women in question keeps my daughter updated as a friend. Call me Confused.

Anyway, AFTER the whole filing of the paperwork was through... and we were driving back to his place so our daughter and I could leave in MY car, he goes and informs me that we should have waited until after the 1st of January to file the paperwork and that it would have been fine with him. Explaining that we're both going to be paying out fines, and highly taxed, and would have been better off waiting and filing one last time, together.
Oooooooo, part of me wanted to fall apart right there, make him turn his car around and race into the offices and collect the documents from them then and there. But he's gotten what he wanted. Control over me, to as I'm SURE he sees it, crush me one last time. It is so hard to comprehend my staying with such a vile creature such a long, long and terror-filled part of my life. Every day of my life watching for him, wondering if he'd be decent(for him) or raging and hate-filled. Vindictive, insecure, controlling deviously manipulative man. His fiance works for the IRS. They both know that any refunds I'll be getting over the next few years will apply the the back taxes resultant from his pay during the many years I was a stay-at-home mother and wife. What can I say other than that they indeed are a PAIR of assholes made for one another. He'd also informed me that instead of the huge repayment efforts he'd told me he was working on with the IRS, he'd arranged $100/mo. And, that his woman works there. *sigh* SUCH a pleasant man.

While I will indeed suffer from this cruel sword in my side... I'm vindicated, in my mind, in that I will eventually be living a peaceful life. One day I'll be truly NEVER having to deal with him again. Whether in death, or simply the end of the short period of alimony being over. I was legally his wife for over 26 years. Twenty-six years of abuse. I only ask 5 years of meager assistance financially. I'd rather be on poverty row forever, as I'm sure I will be... than ever be with him, or someone so cruel as to be like him, again.

I will be freed from his tyranny officially in December from as little as 4 to as many as 15 days from the date that the documents were hand delivered. I thank God for that. I thank my lovely daughter... who, begged me to leave him for my safety for over 5 years. And, I can thank my own self, for my own strength and love.... and, for some choice people who'd pointed out that it'd taken more strength of character and courage to simply stay than to run away to the arms of a "rescuer." And, that by having stayed with him, seeing his weaknesses and true self and seeing him as a disabled man, instead of a xxxxx, I was a better, bigger person than he ever could be. I'm thankful for making that man leave me. I'm grateful for people who helped make it possible. And, for those here, and in my "real life" who were of emotional support, sporadically, when need was clear. I am still well pleased to have discovered that I'm not ugly and impossible to love, or desire. I'm happy to have somehow been able to make it safely out of harm's way. And, for being able to learn that sexual intimacy doesn't have to mean abuse, pain, absolute neglect and extreme humiliation and sorrow. I was never one to want the subjection and rage of a cruel man. I'm NOT someone to play that game of BDSM. I'm a strong woman who knows what I can't have ever again in my life... and never will allow to happen again in it, or in the life of my daughter. I may be dying, but I'm not going to let life slip away from me without making it MINE, harnessing the thing and riding it hard and with elation in freedom, joy, peace, and if and when I'm lucky... some fun. For now, I don't believe I'm capable of handling the hungry touch of a man. I'm still too freshly torn to shred from the I experienced at the hands of a different man... I'm still missing my mother, my grandfather, my home, and my peace of mind. But I'm working to regain that peace. And as happiness is found within, I'm glad to find it still able to pour out from within. Just as self love is paramount, so too is finding joy in the world around you. I love who I am. The strengths found in me amaze me some times... All this time he convinced me they were weaknesses and flaws. but in my quiet and patient ways, I was living, and still seeing tiny miracles and good where there was none. I'm no longer so quiet, but the bitterness will never be allowed into my heart, that seems to seethe under the surface of some people. I will not let it reside within me. I'm a loving, giving, good and joyful woman. I'm a creator, and lover, and I'm still... a dreamer.

and life at the moment will bring me... sculpting, painting, and drawing my heart out. Sculpting, because I just got myself some polymer clays to work with gain.. currently I've got over $1,000 worth if it and tools in storage.. somewhere.. and I'll be making and selling little dragons, etc. Drawing, painting, and other things as well.. for I NEED to pour my passion and soul into something I can do.

had his birthday yesterday... a Halloween baby, smiles... he's now my age for a while... until my birthday in January. But today he got crushing news.... and I fell apart over it. My dearest friend in the world and I can't be there to hold him and show him how much I care... how much I love him no matter what he's going to look like for the rest of his life... No matter how incapable I am to comfort him... so far away from me... and no matter how twisted and troll-like he feels he is, due to his deformity being permanent, I still truly love this man deeply.
How I mourn with him internally, yet all we both could do was cry out in bitter pain over our own plights... and in doing so, I was truly mourning him. I don't want to lose him over his Bell's Palsy, and the fact that they give him MAYBE 10% chance of recovering and healing and going back to a semblance of normalcy. That man with the sexiest laugh I've ever heard. The man with the sweetest personality and most wonderful eyes... And now, one side of that dear face sags and is incapable of movement. I've heard that smile for over a year, and I never got to see it's perfection until it was flawed.
But unlike those who've seen him at his finest in person; I've heard and experienced his perfection in his friendship, in his support and love... and in his patience. I sorrow over someone you may never know. But I have loved him for a long time now, as a one of the closest friends I've ever gained short of being my sister, or daughter... even those I hold VERY close here... have never touched me as deeply as this stunningly gorgeous soul has. He's perfect to me, no matter what, but he may never let me show or share that at full capacity. He calls himself a troll... But this man... could never be one, to me. Not ever.
I hope that you don't mind me sharing about someone not of this place, yet who loves the people here, because he hears about you from me. Anyway... he's my friend, someone extremely special to me. I may never get to hold him close and show him just how much he means to me... But I'll do my best to be a better supportive friend. I'm crying because I ache to be there for and with him as he struggles and mourns the loss of hope for his return to health and a face that doesn't frighten others... My poor darling sexy voiced man who sent me my blowgun, and gave me money for my daughter's prescriptions when we were in need... He's selfless and loving, and too good to deserve this kind of ravaging of body heart, mind and soul. And I'm dying to be with him there, where he lives... a dream only, I'll never get to go to him. But I will dream anyway. And weep inconsolably for his loss.

I'm taking a hiatus from dating and playing for.. well, who knows how long? All I know for sure is... I've got little desire to be with a man once I'm face to face with him... even the ones I KNOW I've loved being with. It's hard for me to bear, really... Knowing why. When a man forces himself on a woman taking away her choice.. and is still so blinded he thinks he ws good to her, and good for her... it makes me cringe. I wanted to peel off my skin and burn it, or scrub myself raw to get rid of how I've felt over the last months... But I've gained a greater understanding of how truly important it is to heed those internal warnings and signals.
I don't know how to deal with it, but I have a greater admiration for my own daughter.. who was brutalized by a couple of young men who'd violated her trust, and changed her life forever. I'm grateful for the good I can still see in men and the world around me. I'm grateful for the good and kind and tender souls who've been here, for me.. It wasn't easy confessing that I'd been violated when I first realized that was what had happened... I've been before, by my ex when we were married, too.
Anyway, I'm trying to get over this part of my life. I'm hoping I've got the strength to heal and work through this, and once again recognize my goodness.. and maybe see that I can control things with better awareness. To those who've felt unclean and unworthy due to things like this. My heart bleeds for you and has room to hold you close...

Life WILL move on, with or without me... AND life can be beautiful again I'm determined to make it so, for me. and, for others...

one day to feel and be felt of, this way... one day, maybe, if I'm lucky enough I can have that in my life. For now, life is a struggle.. each day I'm alive is a positive. Each day a bruise disappears, that too is a positive... and each day I see them splayed in patterns across my body.. or learn of a new symptom I wonder... and accept that there may not be time for me. Still, I can try to send my hope out into the air for others... my hope... let it be yours for your own life.

Snow Patrol -- Just say Yes

Heart -- Will You Be Here In The Morning

The Fray -- Look After You

Jason Mraz -- I won't give up

Men from my past, coming out of the woodwork... Why? I've honestly have no clue. It confuses me, has stimulated me, and troubled me... Why now?

The first man who ever made me feel alive, since I'd lost hope in my marriage over a decade ago. A man I'd met on line and never saw on cam, even though he'd seen me. Back then... he'd offered to rescue me, give me everything I'd possibly want or need, to be content and enjoy life. But thought I was already separated from my now still husband and sometime soon will be ex... He's asked how I'm doing... Wants to catch up. And I have no clue now. How am I? confused, and messed up. But more mature I'm hoping.

My ex lover from here... asking to catch up and oh, how I jumped inside, immediately recalling thoughts of his body over mine. And another, again from here... asked me to consider him as well. Both NNer's are married men.

And then... the military man I'd known as a family member long ago now... He too has asked me to consider him again. Just tonight, he'd asked me to let him come to me. Apologized saying over ad over how he regretted not following through and coming to me. He's said he wants to see and be with me.. and promised he's going to be coming, because he can for a short while while the shift he has coincides with mine. I know how it works there in DC. And how busy it can be.
But still.. I wonder... WHY now? Why me?

I don't know why they're all coming out of the woods towards me NOW. It's why I've asked. What IS it about this time of the world? Or time of the year.. or time of life.. WHY now???

Why would they all compel me to wonder? Why would they seek me out, after so long? Just as.. Why would the men I've come to know from here, now.. and from personal contact want me to consider them, too. I'm confused, and unsure. But happy as well. I'm not sure I believe in the two who'd soley been internet(potential) lovers...
But the men who've asked if we could have something possible and serious... I just don't know... One man who's on his way to settle himself in TX with an amazing job offer he couldn't refuse and I wouldn't ask him to turn down. he'd almost given completely up on me, after saying he'd lavish everything I want and need on me, I'd never have to worry again. Then asked me back, to consider if we could be more.. and to try to date long distance.. and then.. move me there, with him.

And one who's become my most precious friend.. saying.. I asked myself why can't I love my Dreamy, and then, asked himself, do I? And told me he does... he's not mentioned it more than a couple more times that he loves me... He knows me well enough now, to see that I need someone who'll be there for me... He's prepared for me to find happiness while he's trying to work his own troubles out. And, he keeps repeating how much he'd hoped things would work out between myself and that officer I'd hoped in and waited for. I wonder, how is it that he seemed to know I'd be contacted by him?

I know I'm still dealing with my divorce, and that it's going to be over and done by year's end... and, that I'm sad and lonely and troubled by so much... but rebound? Would this be rebound? I also wonder about that. I probably shouldn't be airing my concerns here... or sharing my questions as to timing, but thought.. perhaps someone who's been here in this spot, where I am.. with men tempting me all over, there are many I could be with if I wanted... Some who only want FWB. And some who'd want me as GF.. And some who are hurting because of my confusion and what I've done to myself recently. They know what I want more than anything is a good true friend and companion... My heartbeat.. and the best friend and lover to me that could possibly have... someone to love and be loved by. I might be on overdrive all of my life... but I'd like to have someone I can hold close and give my love and trust to... freely.

I'm scared, I admit that. But also know that there's something deep inside this little tart, that is good and pure, and worth loving.

Schiller, September.. Breathe

Schiller I Feel You

to hold me here... I'm falling apart over everything these days. My job is tenuous, and always hearing word of possible lay offs, etc. It's the line of work, I know but still... add the declining health of two of the most important people in my life.. and I'm scared of what will happen to our relationships.

My daughter with her mental/emotional health, and the physical health of one of the closest friends I've ever had. My own health comes in far behind my concern for them.. which isn't good, since I know that in order to live I'll be having to take huge dose of vitamins and minerals for the rest of my life, just to keep this messed up body of mine functioning... I'm frayed and in chaos... But there is one thought that brings me peace.. that I know what it feels like to be the focus of love. Just frightened by the revelation of my friend to me recently. I don't want him to have only said he loved me due to feeling scared of possibly dying alone. I don't want him to regret it later, waking up to his Dreamy not being the woman he thought her to be.

Here, there has been too much static, every time I come by to rest and relax from my hell... my hell is real.. and the static here, surges through me so violently that it feels as if I'm reliving that life I left behind me. I can't take this. And, so.... I'll chose a dozen photos... if you're a real friend, reach out and choose your favorite two or three and suggest I keep them. I may if they're same as most others ask/request. That way when my premium gift runs dry... I'll already be reduced to a safe number of photos that you'll have to remind you of me.

While there are some very real friendships I've gained with beautiful ladies and dear men, here... I'm alone really. And too busy fighting to survive, to provide and to heal. This place used to be my haven, and a place in which to draw strength... Not so sure about that, now.