Well this is going to be random and not make a lot of sense but I just need to write it somewhere. First off you need to know that I have had the same seasonal job four the past four years and this year I got passed over for several promotions and in fact wound up with one of my best friends as a boss he is also three years younger than me and two years to young to have the job unless all other qualified members of staff refuse the majority of the staff did in fact all that the head of staffing talked to in the off season did the only member who did not get talked to was myself I am not sure I would have taken to job but the reason I bring this up is that it plays to the mind set of the people in charge of staffing. a year ago next week I decided to return to the same job despite thinking it was time to move on I was later convinced that I should try for a different position when I applied. when I was hired I was told that my actions had lead to a general belief that I was to high of a risk for the position I wanted and that if I could prove myself this coming season then I would be considered for next season. All in all it did not take long for me to realize that I was only employed this season because the company was in dire need of male staff member and staff with my skill sets. Now I have never received a bad evaluation and the few bumps in the road I have had were ether misunderstanding or differences in view point and as far as I had know where never a problem however they must have been. So now that the situation is understood it brings me to the reason for this rant I was cleaning out the junk on my computer hard drive and transferring files to my external hard drive and came across all of my photos from the past four years and as I leafed through them I realized several things 1. how much I have changed over the four years, 2. how much the staff had changed and sadly not for the better 3. how over the four years the staff bonding has become less important( as a side note I should say that when it comes down to it the only people you have to rely on is the other staff members not the management so it is a bit more of a problem than one might think) 4. How much I miss the time I have spent there in the past and how little I cared for the time spent there this year. by the end of looking at the three years of picture I was just about to cry in that good way that only happens when you are remind of the great times spent with great friends. Then I opened the folder for this year and I did cry there were three picture in it. These tears where not because I missed the place or the people but because they showed not only how disconnected I was this year but how little everyone else cared about there jobs. These picture showed me and my closet friends completely decked out for the biggest party of the summer at work and the rest of the staff just standing around in there everyday cloths, not even the required uniforms which was the minimum if you were not dressing up in wacky outfits. It was sad to see that it was the end of an era to because that night the management team changed the rules stating that staff could be dressed only in wacky clothing or uniform and could no longer fallow the tradition of dressing in the opposite genders uniform which my friends and I were. At first I thought that it was just one more thing to add to my list of reasons why I will never go back but then I started thinking and I realized just how sad it was that the staff who will be applying here in the next few days may never be as close as the staff from the first three years. This thought was like a knife through my heart because I know what the job can take out of you and that you need all of you coworker to be close friends not just two or three like it was this year. And worse yet those who worked there this summer and who trained the next group only cared about there own social life's what frat you were part of and not are clients who truly need us to care about them. And so I cried again today for those who will be there this summer and those that they will train and how the job will lose more every year. I then crawled in to my music trying to find something happy and all I found was the voice of a coworker I swear my I tunes was linked up to my brain and only wanted to play what I was thinking about. There were a few good things about today 1. I no longer need to find reasons why I should not return I know now that I may not be welcome but I wish others like me will fill in my place. 2. I was able to finally cry for the summer like I do every year usually its a hour long boat ride I spend with friends all balling our eyes out this year I spent it alone in that same group and no one cried. But the best part of today was that I put up and away message that said "thinking about work and knowing I will not be back" One of the girls that I had in part trained called me up asking what that meant and why I was not going to work along side her this coming summer, when I explained my reasons she joke that if I was not hungover all the time they would have wanted me back her way of breaking the tension then asked what it would take for me to be back and when I told her she promised me that she would work hard in the next few years so that what I saw this year would not become the norm and well I know that she is only one person at the bottom it did make me smile to know that she will care about the job, She also made me promise that when she has the job she most wants that I will reapply and work with her at least once though this is a nice thought by the time she achieves it I will be way old at least from the jobs standpoint it is at least good to know that I passed the torch. Now its time to turn the page and start a whole new chapter in my life if only a new job was easy to come by or would just drop out of the sky.
probably wouldn't take it if it did hard works about the only way to get anywhere worth going. so to night as I sit by my computer I feel about like the cowboy in the old westerns walking off into the sunset and all I can think about is do they ever wonder if the sun will rise again do they worry about what it might bring? because I do, I worry that I am to old to role with the next set of punches and will just start going with the flow and get used to it and settle down content to be going nowhere in the next dead end job I get, thinking that I had happiness once now I am content with just happy enough and that is the thought which eats at my mind. so much unfinished so young and yet my mind feels old, tired, beaten. Some how I have to find a way to wake up tomorrow and start to write my new life to take that first step why does that thought scare me now when just a two years ago I was in the same place and excited to be jumping in to a new life, back then I had only what I could care with me on the road and barely enough money to make it where I wanted to go I spent two months living in a tent in winter and never once was scared but now I fear the same situation so much it keeps me awake most nights does finding happiness and then losing it always make you fear the next thing to come?
