Love is a funny thing.

For anyone that got to know me last year, or even just read my blogs, you'll have got the message that I had been essentially single a long time. There were men here and there, but nothing long term. And thinking back now, I'd say that even further in the past where I'd had long term relationships, I'm not entirely sure how much love was found there either.

I spent a large proportion of last year posting blogs about how I was happy alone and wasn't looking. I'd actually been saying that in real life for a long time too but I don't actually think I really meant it till last summer. By last summer I'd come to terms with heading towards 40 just as I was and the penny had dropped about not everyone finding their somebody and I was happy relishing life as it was.

I'm absolutely loathe to be a cliche, I consider myself to be one of a kind and as unique as can be, so cliches aren't for me, but you can guess where this story goes, as the wise old women tell their younger kind, when you stop looking, that's when love walks in. A year ago a man walked into my life and hasn't as yet walked away and as I write this, it's hard to remember my world without him.

This isn't all sunshine and soppy, don't worry, I've not changed that much! If anything, the point I'm making is that love is actually not easy at all.

I've never been happier. But I've never been more vulnerable.
I've never been more understood. But I've never held myself more accountable.

A year ago tomorrow, I went to a meeting and was assigned a work partner for the next 6 weeks. We hit it off from minute one, in the space of a day I considered him a friend, and later (much later.. which made it even better) he got me naked and we've never looked back.

He makes me feel alive. He makes me feel like I can be the best version of me I can be. He knows everything, he sees everything. And he's still here. He's gone nowhere, he's just ever so quietly there, and I smile every single day.

I've ticked off just about every cliche in the book. Every 'nugget' of wisdom I read and scoffed at about love seems to be true. And as fabulous as I feel, I'm scared to the core about how open and vulnerable I let myself be. I can't emphasise enough how solitary and self contained I was. And I still am. As I said earlier, I've not changed, I'm still me, and if my world did fall apart tomorrow, I'd be ok. But I'm pushing my boundaries of reliability and letting someone take care of me because he makes me feel safe. He shows me every single day that I matter, I'm a person worth knowing and that I can trust him. I think trust is the most intoxicating sense I know.

I'm not sure what my purpose is in writing this, perhaps just to round off my journey and my story.

And from the girl who didn't believe, when they say one day someone will walk into your life and you won't remember who you were before.. trust me, if it happens, it's the greatest feeling in the world.

A year ago I was at the height of my photo posting frenzy. It became almost an addiction. I was never before quite as aware of my body, it's curves, it's sensuality and even its flaws. The summer of 2015 will always be a period of enlightenment.

And then one day, I stopped just as suddenly as I started.

Is my life so dramatically different now than then? Not at all. Certain areas are better. I've more real life people in my world. I'm happy and fulfilled and content. But I'd not say I was uncontent or unhappy last year.

One thing I do know, 2015 was a year of massive change. I left the world I'd known for so long behind, I had a number of concerns I was hiding from and I think what I'll now call my NN summer was a hiding place where I gained the confidence to face life head on again.

I took some pictures yesterday. I'm fascinated and amused at the change in my body. Losing significant numbers of pounds brings a healthiness all of its own. I'm still curvy, I'm still big boobed, I'm still me and I've still an eye for the artistic. But something seems missing currently. There was a braveness, an openness, a sassiness about me that isn't there now. With my calm and my peace with the world I've lost a little 'Fuck You world this is me'

I will decide one day to come back with fresh photos and a fresh perspective, but for now I'm happy in my world with nothing to prove. But I'll never stop being proud of who I was last year, and those photos deserve to be seen as a period of my life where NN gave me something special, the power to just be me.

I saw an old friend over the weekend. I sat down and read a picture book with their children and had a perfectly pleasant 'Auntie' hour. It was all very nice and then Daddy took the children out and so adult conversation over a glass of wine kicked in. Because it was a friend I'd not seen for a while, there was a lot to catch up on. Then, as ever, the questions about my single, child free life kicked in.
Have you a man yet?
No.
Are you looking?
Well, I have been but I'm taking a break.
Oh, well, you're not getting any younger you know....

Really?! Do people actually think I've not noticed this? If it was as simple as me picking the nearest available man and running barefoot to the garden to pop children out would I have not done that? The why am I childless is easy to answer. I'm just not sure that's for me.
The single part is less easy to define. I'm single for many many reasons. The vast majority of them of my own choosing. Would I perhaps like a "normal" (and yes people have phrased it just like that!) life? Possibly. I'm not actually sure. For every reason I can see the attraction of it, I see two negatives.
Without going into vast detail of my own life, there are three main factors to my 'spinster existence' (Ain't that a lovely phrase! I'd rather be a Bachelor please)
The biggest is I'm work focused and always have been. The second is I rarely meet a man I'd bother to make time for. (Brutal but honest!) The third is more vague. I'm difficult.
I'm not stupid, I'm well aware I've enough psychological issues to make it easier to hide behind being a career woman who's fussy rather than face my own problems. But I'm not ready to deal with my own issues yet.. And I'm certainly not going to do it just because the world at large thinks I should now 40 is rapidly approaching.

My whole life I've done things my way. Not usually the easiest way, or the right way, or the mainstream way.. but MY way. Why people think I'd make life easy on myself now and just conform I've no idea. I survive. That's enough for me,

Not everyone is going to have children. Not everyone is going to get married. Statistics prove this. In the animal world that probably leads to extinction, but we're more evolved that that, I hope. On my darker days I get down about not finding myself in the majority of people who got this love stuff nailed. But on my brighter days I find myself being proud of being who I am and being in the minority. Somedays I panic I should push myself more. But then I wake up the next morning thinking I don't want to bother.

I'm not posting this for advice or comment. I'm just frustrated as I've had a few people in the real world think it's ok to ask what are actually quite private and intense questions. I think I'll start replying 'My life's fine thanks. How's yours?'

So, last weekend I appeared to offend several NN'ers by posting a status about why I answer so few messages. I rapidly deleted it and thus the resulting comments as it had quickly turned into a bit of a free for all, but left me with a lot of questions for myself about why exactly am I here and what do I want to get from all this.
What seemed to cause the most debate amongst the masses when I posted my status was why am I asking for intelligent messages when there's so little on my profile. Fair comment I suppose. But to me, if you're taking me for what you see is what you get from my profile, then you're missing an awful lot. Is it big headed of me to think of myself as the sum of the parts of everything you see? Yes, there's the obvious in the photos and there's little on the profile, intentionally so. For those of you that look (and I'm glad that a core proportion do!) if you read my captions, find my blog and see the other ways I contribute to the site here and there, it doesn't take much to realise that there's more to me than just the face. Or more specifically, more than just the boobs. I don't think it's wrong that I chose to spend my time here with the minority of people that understand that rather than those who don't.
That said, I don't want to sound as if I am missing the point of a site like this. It's an amateur nude site so obviously the focus is nakedness and sexual discussion. I'm far from innocent and I love being seriously dirty, in text as much as anything else. Nothing turns me on more than a well thought out comment or message. That brings me to my next point.. What is it in my brain that makes one message horny as fuck and the next an instant turn off? Part of it for me at least, is definitely subtle intelligence and the like. (Again, sorry if this sounds big headed!) Having gone on my little binge photo-athon of the last 2 days I've had more than my usual share of messages to ponder. And without giving away identities, there are a couple I'd like to share.
I got this message: 'would you take my hard cock in there ?'
And then I got this one: 'The thought of your wet lips wrapped tightly around my cock while your stomach rests on mine and your lovely tits smother my face is enough to tip me over the edge.'
Am I the only one that can spot the difference between the two? See, it's not the sex talk I object to. It's the lack of thought, the irritating assumption that just because I'm getting naked on a 'porn' site I must want to sleep with every man that asks and the minimal effort in asking that irritates me.
Yes, the first message was instantly deleted, the second got a worthy reply for turning me on.
I've come to the conclusion that I can tell which men treat women as ladies in real life here and which perhaps don't. I adore those of you that take time out of your day to say Thank You. Men which mention stunning curves, beautiful breasts and tell me I'm desirable.. those are the ones that matter to me.
Yes, I'm a girl with big tits putting herself out there on the internet. But I deserve some respect and adoration. If asking for that makes me rude in your book, then the loss is very much yours.

I took a trip down memory lane yesterday, I've not always worked in the industry I do, for almost 20 years I worked in retail. And yesterday I happened to be in an area I have little reason to be in often these days and in need of coffee I took a wander down the high street. And there it was, the store I used to manage a decade ago now.
It's funny how much your brain forgets. We remember the big things, but a lot of the smaller detail gets lost. It's all still there filed away somewhere though as things I'd long since forgotten came flooding back. I walked past a stationary store and remembered buying pens to make a poster with, I walked past a card shop and remembered last minute panic Christmas gift shopping. All those moments in time I'd long since forgotten came back.
And of course that brought memories of how I felt at the time too,
A decade ago I was just starting to think about staring 30 in the face much like I'm aware now that if I look over my shoulder, there's 40. I was restless, not performing well in my job due to boredom and lack of challenge and although not aware of it, crippling myself in self doubt.
Of course with everything in my life, there were men too. I've had several fairly long term relationships in my time, interspersed with periods of very random adventures. I'm actually far less experienced than I come across, and the vast majority of my interactions with men have never made it to the bedroom never mind any further. But me being me, I'm always lusting after someone and my boundless optimism of finding my own happy ending was even more present then than it is now. A decade on I'm jaded and wise enough to realise my own issues are complex enough for me to be difficult to be with, so tend to take more joy in the simplest of exchanges than I used to. I'm also far more set in my ways than I was 10 years ago and find myself reluctant to give up my world enough for anything serious so I seek different things.
The year ago I was 28 was a key year for me though.. By the following summer I'd left the job that was my only anchor and embarked on several different challenges. I began a bit of a personal journey that lead me to be where I am today. Which despite my slightly negative vibe is actually in a very good place.
Anyway, before I get sidetracked, the purpose of today's post was to share a memory..

I still remember the first time I saw him. I thought he was the best looking man I'd ever seen. It was the first time I'd ever been moved by the sight of a man in a suit and as I type this I can even remember the way he smelt. It was lust at first sight although I think I mistook it for love. Sadly for me, C had a taste in hot and beautiful women with legs that went on for miles with blonde hair to match. Being a total opposite I felt out of his league. What we did become though was great friends. We had a beautiful man meets woman friendship and for 4 years he was my partner in crime. He managed a branch of the same company just down the road and we settled into a happy routine of meeting up, him telling me of his latest conquest, me making him laugh at my self exaggerated tales of dating misadventures.
Yesterday I walked past places we'd been together so many times. Dinner places, coffee places, beer places. A hotel.
After several glasses of champagne and 4 years of wanting him, I finally found him and I alone in a hotel room. At the time I had no self confidence whatsoever, but was confident in my oral skills, so my plan was to play to my strengths and it wasn't long before I was on my knees trying to get him in my mouth while I stayed resolutely fully clothed.
But for the first time in my life, someone else was in charge and he made me strip and stand naked in front of him. He laid back on the bed and just watched while I stood there. I remember protesting and being horrified and not understanding how he could call me sexy, so different was I to his type..
But something in the way he looked at me made me see myself through his eyes, he stood behind me while I looked in a mirror. He made me see myself as a woman. And it's something that has stayed with me to this day. Curves can be sexy.
Then we bonked like rabbits, the sex actually being decidedly average after 4 years of anticipation. He held me all night long. We got up in the morning, said our goodbyes and later that day he went to the airport and flew to Australia and I never saw him again. The date and the night that followed having been our goodbye to each other. I knew I'd come away with the memories of that night. What I'd not expected was how all these years later, while the sex is a distant memory, him stripping me naked is something that has guided me ever since and will last a lifetime.
Yes, as I walked past that hotel yesterday my smile wasn't secret, but it was only for him.

I didn't plan 3 posts in 3 days.. And at some point I'll run out of conversations in my head, but for tonight I've still got things to say.

Less definitely is more, when it's done well that is. I'm currently making no secret of the fact that 2 men posting to NN at the moment are driving me crazy.. Nor am I the only woman getting wet knickers over them judging by the regularity with which they occupy the top spots on the home page. And barely a hint of a penis in any of their photos. Something in their pictures exudes sex appeal and a hint of 'promise' without giving much away at all. And it turns me on massively. I just want more and more.

As I continue experimenting with my own photos I've concluded I feel sexier in the ones that show less rather than the ones Im showing more in, to the extent I've actually deleted some of the more hardcore shots as they no longer feel right. Sex appeal is a state of mind, not just endless dick and pussy shots.

At the other end of the equation though, how much of our attraction to each other is based on looks and how much is deeper than that? Speaking for myself, I'll put my hands up to being shallow. As part of this year of self exploration I mentioned before, there have been various places I've chatted to men without seeing their faces. I understand the anonymity needed (desired?) to play on the Internet, but I usually reach a point I have to put a face to a mental picture Im building up fairly quickly, it's as if my brain is only willing to invest so much before it wants to know it's on the right path. Shallow I agree.

I've said before that I find it hard to show every side of me.. I've one dating profile (being removed as soon as I finish typing this) left online and before I removed it I wanted to conduct an experiment. I've been 100% honest on my profile there in terms of my personality, and I've a selection of attractive enough facial photos with a couple of full body, fully clothed shots. And I've had a steady enough stream of mild interest over time. Tonight I added 2 shots from the same photo sessions I took last night. Tamer than the ones I posted here, but hotter than anything Id put up on my dating profile so far. And the message count went through the roof.
What Im fascinated by is why? Is it because it shows I'm sexier than pictures of me in jeans show? Does it give a hint of the fact I'm seriously fucking kinky that wasn't there before? Is it because it screams 'looking for sex'? I'm not sure..

My point is the right, or wrong, photo has the power to change everything.

I'm not sure if it's just me, but I have a multitude of different sides to my character. And in real life, although very outwardly confident, inside I'm rather shy. And one of the things that is a real trigger point for my self doubt moments is dressing up. I'm a real tomboy in real life.. with a leaning towards rock chick. I've not worn a skirt in years and don't even talk to me about dresses.
And yet, today, I eagerly dressed up in 2 of the sexiest skimpy dresses I could find, spent an exciting 3 hours taking photos and then posted the best of them on to the internet for strangers to rate and enjoy. Can someone explain that juxtaposition to me as I can't begin to even understand it myself.
As soon as the dress was on, I knew I was sexy. I felt it deep inside. It didn't matter that I don't like my legs. It didn't matter that I've got cellulite. It didn't matter that I hate my stomach. It didn't matter I wish I was 5 inches taller. I was sexy. I knew it. And I'd like to hope that shows through in the photos.
But the thought of going out in public wearing a dress fills me with dread. Why is that? I wish I knew.
What I do know, is that actually, the girl in the photos, the sex kitten if you will, is much more of the real me than the shy girl hidden away in a hoodie. Which is actually very sad, no?

And this links in to one of the reasons I'm so conflicted about men in general at the moment. I'm not meeting the kinds of men I like in my real world, because I'm not actually showing all of me. What you see is not what you're going to get. That's what lead me to seeking a 'friend with benefits' (hate that term but at a loss for a better fitting one at the moment) online. I can be my kinky, exhibitionist, desperate to find someone to pin be down and fuck the shit out of me self better online.. so the theory should be I'd find a better fit, right?
Ermm no.. Because it seems that a good 95% of men in cyberspace assume that if a woman is openly expressing the desire to meet up and have a good time between the sheets, she'll do that with just anyone. That's it's ok to be rude and disrespectful because she must be a slut. I won't paint everyone with that same brush, but its sadly the majority. There also is an assumption that if you're looking for sex, then you've very little self respect and you're just looking for a quicky. Again, for me at least, not true.
Am I really so very wrong if I want a man to put just a tiny bit of an effort into a conversation with me? And for me to need intelligence to engage me? And why can't I hope that a member of the male species might be up for taking a walk in the park, or meeting for a beer, sharing a conversation and a lot of laughter before taking me bed and rocking my world? And if I say I'd like to have the occasional conversation or text to say 'hey, how's your day been?' between those dirty dates, I'm genuinely not a step away from proposing marriage.
I'm a woman. I'm a complex pacakge. I've got edges and curves and many many different sides. And I wish I could find a place where I could show every single side. Away from the internet I'm not showing the inner heat, and online I'm showing so much heat I miss the simple joy of being connected to someone.
And that is why, for now, I'm not even looking.

Well, Back before social media became the thing of the moment, I was quite the little blogger. Spilling the contents of my mind on to the page is quite cathartic. This is more for me than anyone else. If you happen to be reading this, welcome, and thank you for joining me on the ride.. your company is appreciated but not the main purpose of the exercise.
And a ride is exactly what this is. Having always been a sexual person, I have, for various reasons, found myself in a sex free state for close to 3 years now. That's very much by choice.. but this year I've made the decision to try to get back on that particular horse. And it's been quite the year of experiences in order to find myself a penis.. but as yet, I've been unsuccessful in my quest. What I have found though, is a fascinating insight into both my own mind and that of humans in general. There are many times recently I've thought to myself that I wish I could share these thoughts and views with someone, but I'm hardly about to tell my 'real world' that I've put myself out there all across the interweb in many different forms so I find myself keeping my thoughts inside. So thats exactly what this blog is, a record of my thoughts and feelings about my own sexuality, exhibitionism and a personal journey.
Interestingly, the time I find myself starting to want to write about it coincides with the time I've decided to stop the search for a good long while, to pause and take a breath. I've gained a lot of self confidence these past few months, and as I'm sure a lot of people here on NN find, putting your body out there and getting positive feedback is almost a life changing moment. However, the disconnection I feel is getting ever larger and the searching part of the process has been unfulfilling and left me feeling like I am hoping for too much. And for the record, I don't mean commitment, but I mean the connection, the addictive feeling of a brain clicking with another like mind. That's what I was looking for. I need my brain engaged long before my knickers come off.. Commitment is far from my agenda, I'm a strong, independent and fiercely private woman (ironic coming from the girl who has just started to show her face online!) I'm self sufficient and actually rather introverted, with an emphasis on needing plenty of 'me' time. But there's room in my life for someone to share some great moments with and that's what I was hoping to find.
There have been a lot of men to whom I've mentioned how long I've been single for and they all express surprise that someone as "stunning" as me could be single. (Funny the compliments a lot of men can find when they want into your pants!) And its true, if it was a cock to fill my hot tight little hole I was after, I'm sure I could have found more than one.. I've 'auditioned' enough along the way.. But I'm holding out for that spark that lets me know I've met a like mind and that this spark could ignite a fire. But for now.. the search for that is very much on hold.