I didn't delete ma previous blog. Call me crazy (and most people do) but I like to think I bare my soul as well as my naughty bits here.

Had more fun at my neighbors house last night. They invited us over for some beers and while I was there, they informed me they had an extra ticket for the Kid Rock concert on Saturday. *Shrug* I'm not a super fan of his, but hell. It's free, and I have a feeling partying with those two girls will be some serious fun.

We lost another long-time NN'er today. And she'll be missed sorely. But she's doing well, and I'd like to think she'll come back after things get sorted.

I have issues... Like, LOTS of them. I'm sure most of you know half of them. Or half of you know most of them.

Either way... I gotta lay it down somewhere... NN's the lucky place.

Right now, my heart is pounding. Like... almost hurts it's pounding so hard. I feel the throb in my throat. I know, in my rational mind, that I'm having a panic attack. And, tho it might feel like it, I won't die from this. But I think, I FEEL like I'm going to die. Like, RIGHT NOW..... I know in seconds...yep..there is is... I'm getting a tightening of my chest. It feels like I can't breathe. I'm gasping for air. But writing all this out seems to calm it.

So... welcome to the anatomy of a panic attack.

I'm taking deep breaths, trying to slow down how fast my heart is beating. ....... It's not working. My heart is pounding, pounding, pounding.... it won't slow down. My breathing is quickening, and I can't stop it.

I'm breathing heavy, feeling like I'm not getting enough air in my lungs... I'm not lightheaded, so I know I'm not missing oxygen, but it hurts to breathe... It hurts to type, but.. hey. It's only scary if you don't know it's not real. And that's what I keep as a mantra in my head... it's not real....it's not real...it's not real....

My heart's pounding less.. I think I beat it this time..

I still have the notion to stick a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, or see how pretty the colors are if I slit my wrists in the bathtub and watch the blood mingle with the water...I can't.

I can't go out the easy way. I'd hurt too many people. But... when I'm at my lowest point, gawd.... it's so nice to think about. Less pain than a tattoo... and a minute of nothingness...

Woke up this morning after QUITE a dirty dream. Been in a "mood" all day.

Wonder if I can dose Dummy w/o him knowing... Or just stay up and drink till he's good and asleep and wake him up in a position where he can't say "No". ...does that count as a form of ? Huh....

Our neighborhood's full of mostly old people, or people our age who ACT old, or people our age who are snotty and look down on us. I've been dying on the vine for neighbors like I had in Florida, or California. Ya know the ones, head over on a dull night to have a few drinks, hang out, etc.

Some new people moved in across the street a few weeks ago. I've been wanting to walk over and introduce myself, cuz they looked like fun people. But, with my work schedule, and my paralyzing shyness (yes, gawddammit, even if I DO post naked pics of myself...I'm shy as hell)..yea..didn't work out so well.

So yesterday, after we left the shop, we head home and start working in the yard, Dum's mowing and I'm picking up branches n such. We're finishing up and I'm inside cooling off, when I hear Dum talking to someone. Open the door and there's this tall broad in a bikini talkin with Dum. O.o After I corral the dogs I walk outside to talk to her. Yep, she's the new neighbor across the street.

We get the "Hi's" and such out of the way, and toast each other with our beers. As we're talking her friend (which, is actually ANOTHER neighbor two houses down) starts walking from one house to another. "HEY HOOKER! WHERE YOU GOING?" shouts bikini neighbor across the street. Other neighbor turns, pulls up her shirt and bares breasts. Without thinking, and at the exact same time as bikini-girl, I pull up my shirt in greeting as well.

Bikini-girl says, "Yep, you'll fit in" and all but demands we head over to her party for drinks and fireworks. Dum grabs my shoes and a bottle of Boones for me, and we go over. Meet other neighbor friend and a whole bunch of other people. We're all hanging out and drinking, and Dum decides to go check on the grill. I don't remember every detail, but I had a blast, and wound up in the pool in my boyshort panties and t-shirt. We passed around my boones farm, and a bottle of champagne, and lots of beers. Shot off massive amounts of fireworks and other neighbor girl took me over to her house (I really don't know why) where I met her dog and cat.

I'm hoping they thought I was as much fun as I thought they were, because it'd be awesome to have two friends living just across the street. Friends that I didn't meet throu Dum.. ya know..like...NN'ers but right across the street! =)

So, recently, some friends of mine had their shield removed. Someone called "photoshopping" on their verification pics. While they'll re-take their pics as per request, I figured I'd clarify something here.

A few days ago, I got silly and slapped one of those bubblegum machine temp tattoos on my arm. Yesterday I took pics, and posted a few. I'll post more today. And I realized, some hater might call ME out for a disappearing tattoo... So I'll post a pic here, and another when it's worn off... just to cover ma ass. Seems the real members get a LOT more shit than the assholes posting web shit. Funny they're having issues getting people to pay for premium. Makes ya go "Hummmm?" don't it?

I've been rushing around all week, the bike shop's deffo getting busier. We've pretty much been on a "one bike out, one bike in" rule. It's a good thing Dum found a 19 year old kid who can spin wrenches and doesn't mind only making 25% of what Dum charges for labor. Or he'd have me out there helping. Took a count yesterday, and not including the 4 bikes that we own, we have 18 in the shop right now. That isn't including the complete motor rebuild Dum has sitting on a bench.

The kittens are adorable, and so active. Eating solid food, drinking water, and using the litter box like pros. I figure another week of playtime with momma and their siblings, and they'll be ready to go to their owners. "We" changed our minds and won't be keeping BurnOut. One of the other kittys, SpeedBump (Speed for short) seems to have chosen me. We bonded so quick and so well, it wouldn't be fair or right to let her go to another home.

Bakery's been busy... even tho I don't get more than 30 hours, I'm still doing 60+ hours worth of work. Sucks when ya so good, you can do that. >.> Missing Ares, and looking forward to Sunday. I'll be off from the bakery, and not going into the bike shop. I need to break down his cage, pack his climbing sticks and rocks away, and move the aquarium down to the basement. I think it'll be a long time before I want any more reptiles.

Just a no-so-quick update and a great big kiss to everyone who commented on the last blog. Thank you. =*

Damn, seems lately I have only 3 types of blogs. Sad, Pisssed off, or bike related. This is of the first variety.

Got home last night and go to tease and taunt Ares, my bearded dragon. He's an asshole, which I adore. Big (little) tough guy who'll puff out his beard and turn black no matter who comes near his cage.

But last night, he laid motionless, tho he did turn black. I knew immediately something was wrong. Dum picked him up and we gave him a lukewarm bath. Checked for impaction, or dehydration. Opened his mouth and smelled his breath, and that was the problem. He got some sort of bacterial infection. Dum thinks it might have been from him drinking from his poo-filled water dish. (He pooped in it almost as soon as I'd put a clean dish in.) A specialized vet costs 2-3 times more than a regular vet. And an emergency herp vet costs 6-10 times more. As bad off as Ares was, Dum decided to make sure he was hydrated, and hope for the best.

Woke up this morning and Ares had died. I spent the better part of last night crying, and this morning. I know it seems silly to get attached to a cold-blooded reptile, especially one who wanted to eat my hand every time I touched him.

But thinking about it all day today, I realize it was completely my fault. I didn't change his water every day, as I should have. While I didn't starve him, I didn't give him the live crickets and worms he liked so much. Freeze-dried were easier, and he was such a shitty hunter. He'd literally go after a cricket 10 times before he actually caught them. So yea. Not the best of owners.

Dosn't mean I didn't love the lil asshole. =(

*edit* Realized not everyone's on my Facebook. So here's a pic of the lil monster being his bad-ass self...

Have I told you all lately how much ya'll make me smile? or how awesome you are?

thank you, everyone of you, because in your own way you keep me sane. and for my lovlies, who do a bit more? I'd be dead without you.

So pissed off you either want to punch a brick wall or curl up in a ball and cry? Yea...that's where I'm at.

I'm so sick of some of our "sponsored riders". They've done nothing but disrespect Dummy, cause him stress, AND drive him crazy.

From wearing our logo and walking around the pits at the track talking to "real" mechanics... to questioning EVERYTHING he does. It's stupid. It drives me crazy, and it makes Dum into one grouchy motherfucker.

Today, it's been building and building and building. I left the bakery early. Got to the shop, and Dum's having chest pains. BECAUSE of those dirtbike fucks. We decided to close up early (4pm, rather than 6pm) and head home. Dum lays down to take a nap.

I get txts from not ONE ....but TWO of the dirty boys. Seems he wants to pick up his bike and go riding tomorrow. WTF?!?!?!? They just talked this MORNING! It's in pieces. I explain the situation. Dum's asleep, he's been having chest pains and we closed up. We'll be there tomorrow at 10am. The dude who OWNS the bike was alright with it... But... Ego.. well... that's just not right. He did everything from flat deny he's ever disrespected the shop or Dum.. to attack me as the operations manager. Apparently, I should call every customer and ask them if they need their bike tomorrow. ?!?!?!?!?!?

It didn't end well. I suppose Ego's going to take our stickers off his van and bike. Oh fucking boo-hoo. Good. Maybe now Dum can get a decent night's sleep, without worrying about how people he actually CARES about questioning his every move. Hopefully NOW Dummy won't give himself a heart attack or a stroke worrying about THAT piece of fuck.

I put up with an awful lot. But, you're gonna txt me? and act like you didn't do shit?!? Fuck you. Fuck the Dirty Boys.. and FUCK A BUNCH OF DIRTBIKES. He made it before without you, and he'll make it NOW without you.

A customer wanted a cake for his best friends wife. He asked her what she wanted for her birthday..and she said, "A HUGE COCK!"

Here ya go chick...



Yes, I made it. No, I didn't model it after anyone on NN. Yes, I was giggling the entire time...