Today...started out so well. Woke up @ 2:30am, then decided fuck it, didn't need to be in till 5am. so i got to go back to sleep for an hour, whooooohoooo!.
The schedule said i'd be by myself till 7, when my new hire came in, which really ment i'd be by myself till 10 when the other clerk came in. so i hit the ground running, asses and elbows, just like ya'll know i like it.
unexpectedly, my best clerk comes in @ 6am, it's her usual day off, but she and ma boss worked it out that she'd come in till noon to help us prepare for the holiday rush.
i already had most everything done by this time. so we both carry on and get waaaaaaaaaaaaaay ahead. yay!
everything is rocking steady till i go to lunch, i read a bit, smoke alot, and have some laughs with dum. get back from lunch and am told "your being paged to the office" walk up there, expecting trouble. yall know me n my big boss don't quite hit it off. he's in his office with ma boss, and tells me he'll be with me shortly. the door closes.
oh shit.
i wait....and wait...and wait. b.s. with the produce managers who are ragging me cuz i'm about to get my ass chewed, and i have NO IDEA why. finally he comes out and beckons me.
we sit down, and he begins with how he's trying to help me help myself. blah blah blah...i'm a horrid asst. manager, blah blah blah, no leadership skills, blah blah blah i need to step up to the plate.
then he tells me that basicly, i'm on the finalist list for manager (which is a GOOD thing), and the only reason i'm there is because there's no one else qualified for the position. whhhhhhhatttttt theeeeeeeeee FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
i've worked my ass off. for over 5 years...busted my ass, worked impossible hours, ate, slept, lived, breathed, and DREAMED this job. and he's going to tell me he's not going to step up for me, and give his recommendation. that i'm only going to be promoted because I'M IT???? because he has a problem with the way i look?? and the way i live my life?? because i'm not some cookie-cutter company gal who volunteers at church and fits in with the tight-knit little clique he holds court over?
he tells me i have the mechanics of the jobs down, and the paperwork, but i'm not a leader, and my crew doesn't respect me. and THAT's why he's not giving his recommendation.
i'm so pissed when i leave his office, i want to cry. frustration mixed with disappointment is a brew i can't drink down without a few shots of tears mixed in. but i hold it together, smile for my crew as i finish out my day. they know somethings upset me, but i won't give him the satisfaction.
it dosn't help that my boss is pissed with me, i guess because she got her ass chewed as well, for me being such a "disappointment" and she's as sensitive as i am when it comes to our shop.
add to this the personal drama that's unfolding in my life, and i'm defiantly a time-bomb waiting to blow. so i'm going for my standard method of avoidance. i'm gonna get drunk. falling down, slurring my words, stupid drunk. and yes, i know when i wake up tomorrow, all the problems will still be there. but at least tonight i'll smile.