Women think they already know everything. But wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
Parties: Going Without New Outfits
Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
Introduction to Parking
Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
Water Retention: Fact or Fat
Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
TV Remotes: For Men Only

Men:
1 Go to Kragan auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2 Make that 65 dollars for nothing but the best synthetic money can buy (at least that's what the salesman said).
3 Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to Kragan to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
4 Open a beer and drink it.
5 Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6 Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7 In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8 Place drain pan under engine.
9 Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
10 Give up and use crescent wrench.
11 Head of drain plug was really metric and is rounded off anyway; use vise grips.
12 Unscrew drain plug.
13 Hot oil runs down arm, into sleeve of coveralls (only 2nd degree burns; more beer to kill pain)
14 Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
15 Clean up.
16 Have another beer while oil is draining.
17 Look for oil filter wrench.
18 Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and attempt to twist it off.
19 Screwdriver tears the filter casing leaving the bottom of filter (screw on portion) attached to engine (()*^&#&%)*(&_&(%)! Should have put a little clean oil on gasket the last time you changed the oil.
20 Beer.
21 Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

22 Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. (Slosh half of the oil on the ground)
23 Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 22.
24 Set aside half-full oil pan.
25 Child playing in yard falls into half-full oil pan (at least its cooled off by now).
26 Wife threatens divorce.

27 Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
28 Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
29 Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first (see step 19).
30 Just how did you get the old oil filter remains off... Ahhhhh, beer?
31 Pipe wrench! (plumbers eat your hearts out)
32 Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. (or was that the radiator?).
33 Remember drain plug from step 14.
34 Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
35 Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
36 Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
37 Bang head on floor board in reaction.
38 Grit from underneath of car falls on eyes.
39 Wipe eyes with oil drenched hands.

40 Begin cussing fit. (23 minutes)
41 Throw wrench.
42 Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (200 in the left boob.
43 Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
44 Beer.
45 Beer.
46 Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
47 Don't worry about the oil spilled on the valve cover and manifold, it will burn off.
48 Beer.
49 Lower car from jack stands
50 Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
51 Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 32.
52 Watch out for the.......Well it was time for a new tool box.

53 Drive car... What is that smell...oh yeah, step 47.
54 Did I remember to tighten that drain plug after banging knuckles (step 36)?

Women:
1 Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2 Drink a cup of coffee.
3 15 minutes later, write a check for $39.99 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MALE PROCEDURE:
Drive up to the cash machine.
Put down your car window.
Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Put window up.
Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
Set parking brake, put the window down.
Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
Insert card.
Re-insert card the right way.
Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
Enter PIN.
Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Check makeup in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash and receipt.
Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
Re-check makeup.
Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Retrieve card.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Redial person on cell phone.
Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
Release Parking Brake.

Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're not jerks, just misunderstood.

Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our three friends to keep them happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

How can men sit on their butts all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
Please sleep with me.
I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
What did I forget? (This should buy me a little time.)
Stop nagging me.
What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any male ask for?

Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine-tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual front air bags & extended rear bumper.

What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed, they're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in HER)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

i know you do.
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hehe

and she is still a bonnie wee lass.

Steve was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Steve left to go back home to his wife.

When Steve's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Steve sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to" was Steve's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.
Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

"So here I am!"

ok, so this is way more pessimistic
than I am about marriage, but it's still funny...

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

During a heated spat over finances the husband said "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course no one pays the least bit of attention.

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" - Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long -- not because they look nice -- but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test.
He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, and buys several new outfits to dress up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,



and then he. . . . . . . . . Married the one with the largest breasts.