A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show,

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back any longer:

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

My first granddaughter. 6lb 6oz today.

Sexually suggestive lines from the Star Wars trilogy...

The Sexual tension in Star Wars is something only the most dire fans would be able to pick up. But hey, watch anything enough times and involve alcohol... Listed here, for ease of reference, is the compilated list of Star Wars explications.

"Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
"Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
"You've got something jammed in here real good."
"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
"Sorry about the mess..."
"Look at the size of that thing!"
"Curse my metal body, I wasn"t fast enough!"
"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
"I thought that hairy xxxxx would be the end of me."
"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
"There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
"That"s okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
"Hurry up, golden-rod..."
"I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
"It's possible he came in through the south entrance."
"And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
"Control, control! You must learn control!"
"Hey, point that thing someplace else."
"I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."
"I never knew I had it in me."
"There is good in him, I've felt it."
"Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
"Back door, huh? Good idea!"
"She's gonna blow!"
"I think you"ll fit in nicely."
"Rise, my friend."
"I'm sure he wasn't on that thing when it blew..."
"Wedge! Pull out! You"re not doing any good back there!"

A furious light sabre duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."

Luke: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"

Darth Vader: "No! I am your father!"

Luke: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."

Darth Vader: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."

Luke: "NO!"

Darth Vader: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"

Luke: "Threepio?"

Darth Vader: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."

Luke: "No."

Darth Vader: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."

Luke: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"

Darth Vader: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"

Luke: "Well, it's not my fault."

Darth Vader: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith .. waahhh wahhh!'"

Luke: "Shut up."

Darth Vader: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!"

Luke: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"

Darth Vader: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.

Darth Vader: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: "And get a haircut!"

If Star Wars Was Set In Glasgow
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would addess him as Wanky-Nobby.

Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks, or - leave it unattended in Easterhouse.



Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-
Han Solo
"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"

Princess Leia
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"

Admiral Motti
Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"

Obi Wan
I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"

Luke to the Emperor
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Potential Murder Suspect
Puh, men suck!
Please, More Snacks!
PARDON MY SHOUTING!
Punish My Spouse

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for ladies with nutes.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smike or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.

Hotel Anders Rom, Rom:
All female guests are welcome. please bring own towels for morning show.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
Please do not bring solicitors into your room

Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. in fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
Foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking
Here speeching american

On the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.

In a City restaurant:
Open seven days a week, and weekends too.

In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

Barber-shop notice, Bombay:
Hair-cutter and clean shaver. Gentlemen's throats cut with very sharp razors with great care and skill. No irritating feeling afterwards.

Hotel notice, Bulgaria:
The inhabitants of the hotel are kindly asked to keep clean. They are expected also to use the various objects in the rooms only according to their predestination.

Hotel bedroom notice, Rome:
FIRE! It is what can doing we hope. No fear. Not ourselves. Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always is a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out.

In a laundromat:
Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a london department store:
Bargain Basement Upstairs

In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In another office:
After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

On a church door:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

Outside a second hand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Quicksand Warning:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a repair shop door:
We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Spotted in a toilet in a london office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator):
"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband tried to fix."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Veterinary's office:
"All unattended children will be given a free kitten"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurts
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 million microphones: 1 phone
1 trillion microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
500 millinaries: 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds

1/2 lavatory: 1 demijohn
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
100 rations: 1 C-ration

10 rations: 1 decoration
1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo
10 millipedes: 1 centipede
3 dents: 1 trident
3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent

2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
105 dollars = 1 Millicent
1012 antellas = 1 tarantella
109 antics = 1 gigantic

100 tics = 1 hectic
10 aides = 1 decade
1000 female sheep = 1 milieu
2 doctors = 1 paradox

100 Senators: Not 1 decision
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong (say it out loud)