Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work!

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Steve, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

Mary said. "Steve even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Steve was too tired."

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty, he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "My darling".

But ... at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But ... at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

... for petes sake, just write her a note!

A bit bitter, but funny...

We Women can Win the War
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning.

We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man says "Hey, let's have a barbecue tonight, I'll cook and you can relax!" this is what happens...

The man goes out to the patio, grabs a beer, and begins to prepare the grill.
The woman goes to the store and buys all vegetables, meat, paper plates, and so on.
The woman washes and chops the vegetables, fixes the salad, and prepares the vegetables and side dishes and dessert.
The man sits down with another beer, lights the grill, and observes it for a while to make sure it's working.
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, making sure it stays lit.
The man ceremoniously places the meat on the grill.
The woman goes inside to get the plates ready and check the vegetables.
The man double-checks the beer cooler and has another one. The woman comes back out to remind the man that the meat is burning.
The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
After eating, the woman clears the table, disposes of the trash and does the dishes.
The man grabs a beer and goes inside to watch the game.
The woman goes back outside and turns off the grill.
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time.

I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice.

For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.

However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

(This was written by the deceased husband of a friend! He passed on shortly after writing this.)

Man Schooling: For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree.

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 - Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 - You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 - PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 - We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 - Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 - Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2am
MEN 112 - Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 - Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 - Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A - What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 - How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 - Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 - YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 - Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C - What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 - You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 - Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 - How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 - How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective - (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 - The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 - How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 - You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 - Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A - Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 - Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 - Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 - Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 - Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered foreplay
MEN 230B - Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives:
EAT 101 - Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 - Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 - Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 - Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 - Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 - Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C - Cheaper to Keep Her

ALL ARE WELCOME. OPEN TO MEN ONLY.
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE
How To Fill Ice Cube Trays
Step by step guide with slide presentation
Toilet Paper Rolls- Do They Grow On The Holders?
Roundtable discussion
Differences Between Laundry Basket and Floor
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
Dishes And Silverware; Do They Levitate/fly to Kitchen Sink Or Dishwasher By Themselves?
Debate among a panel of experts.
Loss Of Virility
Losing the remote control to your significant other Help line and support groups
Learning How To Find Things
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
Empty Milk Cartons; Do They Belong in The Fridge Or The Garbage Can?
Group discussion and role play
Health Watch; Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
PowerPoint presentation
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks?
Driving simulation
Living With Adults; Basic Differences Between Your Mother And Your Partner
Online class and role playing
How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
Remembering Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To Be Late
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
Getting Over It; Learning How To Live With Being Wrong All The Time
Individual counselors available

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DON'T let your wife or other female significant other find this or all answers convert to DANGEROUS.

sacked on facebook

I still can't get over this one... true? Who knows, but it's funny:

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with His hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face,stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen --thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail.

The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.