If you're like most people, common everyday items look neutral to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example:

Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.
Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.
Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Girls, Please Beware!!!



Imagine that you go out one night to a really nice bar with your friends & have a few cocktails..


They taste so good, so you have a few more and then the DJ plays your favorite oldie -- 'I Will Survive,' so you're off to the dance floor.


After an hour or so of shaking' your goodies, the DJ plays that irritating head-banging music , so you rejoin the group for a rest and another cocktail, or three.


You notice a group of men standing nearby and one of them is looking at you. You look back at him and there is tangible chemistry between the two of you.


YOU buy him a drink


He likes a woman who is not afraid to buy a man a drink. He approaches you to chat and you get along really well.


When the time seems perfect for both of you, he leans over and kisses you .


You have never been kissed like this before, an electric kiss and a tingle shudders through your entire body and you don't want it to stop.


"I don't usually do this sort of thing," you hear yourself saying, "but I've never felt like this before.


Do you want to come back to my place?"


You wake up the next morning, and you roll out of bed, half-asleep , to go to the toilet , last night's memories slightly blurred


You look at yourself in the mirror , make an "urgh" sound. .



As you're sitting there, you remember that you fell in love last night .



With a smile on your face , you stand up and walk back to the bedroom

And see...




THAT'S JUST WRONG!

You instantly sober up, dial animal control, and vow to never ever drink again!

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go out with the guys. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.


The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

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... and more

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
Men would be xxxxxx to purchase overpriced clothes every season.
Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
"Ms. Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men who designed women's shoes would be xxxxxx to wear them.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby, etc.

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
All men would be xxxxxx to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.


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A Man's opinion of what the world would be like if women ran it...


Contact Sports event would only be 20 mins.
Defence Force uniforms would be designed by Armani, Gucci, DKNY, Calvin Klein.
Men would be sent in concentration camps where we would endure such painfully boring and useless crap like; Relationship Analysis, Parenthood, Monogamy, Art and Craft, Arts Appreciation, Mixing and Matching Clothes 101.
Shopping hours would extend to midnight every day.
Burger king would have to make Organically grown, no fat, no taste food.

Major headlines in all newspapers would usually be about which male heartthrob is getting hitched and where the sales are happening are in town.
Speed limits would be around 15 mph or 35 kph in metric scale countries, because that's the safest speed produced by women who are putting on makeup while they drive.
The new series of survivor would be made inside five star resort and challenge would consist of buying clothes at K-Mart and Target.
There would be cosmetic hop up shops like car hop up shops.
There will be no more public holidays as we know it, cos Women will be taking days of every 28 days anyway.

No financial decisions would be made without a woman's sayso.
They would have Tupperware, Diet, Jenny Craig, Tampon commercials during the Superbowl.
We would go in a construction site wearing a suit.
Men who achieve great thing in the name of science and technological progression and advancement would be ignored. Women who discover a new shade of colour for a lipstick would receive the nobel price.
The pulitzer prize will no longer be judged on journalistic excellence, but on who has the biggest gossip on what celebrity.

Schools would no longer be named after great men like Gorge Washington, and such but after women like Hillary Clinton, Oprah, Betty Crocker and the dickhead who designed the Mall of America.
Six-pack beers would be replaced by six-pack champagne in lil wine bottles.
Hooters would be replaced by a Salad bar which has male waitresses wearing nothing but underwear.
Medical research on curing diseases would be replaced by Curing cosmetic defects such as moles, web feet, Freckles, and pimples from childbirth.
The new International Space Station would have a powder room and be able to access Oprah and Daytime TV from wherever in orbit they are.

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last- minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag. (I dispute this)
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
(then again, how many people get mail *back* from santa)
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings... unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

Out of the mouths of kids... answers to the question "What does love mean?"
The answers are broader and deeper than anyone would imagine. See what you think:

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." -Rebecca, age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." -Billy, age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." -Kari, age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." -Chrissy, age 6

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." -Terri, age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." -Danny, age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." -Emily, age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." -Bobby, age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." -Nikka, age 6

"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."

"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day." -Noelle, age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." -Tommy, age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." -Cindy, age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." -Clare, age 6

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." -Elaine, age 5

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." -Chris, age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." -Mary Ann, age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." -Karen, age 7

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." -Mark, age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." -Jessica, age 8

"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn't. That's love."

And a great one is the story of a 4-year-old whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said; "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
Kids are pretty smart, aren't they?

"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.

You want
= You want

We need
= I want

It's your decision
= The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want
= You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk
= I need to complain

Sure... go ahead
= I don't want you to.

I'm not upset
= Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly
= You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight.
= Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
= I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights.
= I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient
= I want a new house.

I want new curtains
= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes
= the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there
= NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise
= I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?
= I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?
= I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute.
= Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat?
= Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate.
= Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?
= [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes
= No

No
= No

Maybe
= No

I'm sorry.
= You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?
= It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

Was that the baby?
= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling!
= Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish
= It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
(The answer to "What's wrong?"

The same old thing
= Nothing

Nothing
= Everything

Everything
= My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really
= It's just that you're such an jerk

I don't want to talk about it
= Go away, I'm still building up steam

Butt (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: The organ of mooning.

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two beers or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

Glass Ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Making Love (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
(Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.)

Remote Control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad prior to tossing it out.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.

Wants and Needs (wontz and needz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.