rubensredd's Blog - page 1

So, those that know me know that I live in scrubs and jeans.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not a dress girl. I have 3 dresses: a sundress, a black and grey party dress and 1 black dress that I kindly call my wedding/funeral dress.
Well, I have 2 events in May that require a dress. I have lost enough weight (YAY) that I honestly have NOTHING that fits.
I broke down and went shopping today (YUCK).
OMG...I found the most amazing dress...since my wedding dress.
It is a simple....girly number that fits MY curves just right. I have not LOVED a dress....since my wedding dress....photos will cum...when I am all dolled up in it ....Now if I can find some heels I can walk in....look the fuck OUT

Needless to say....it was a good day off....and so needed!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you that know me know that I am madly in love with the Bear. That's right I have a living breathing teddy bear that I get to wake up next to every morning. It has not been an effortless journey to be with this man. Nearly 20yrs of friendship, loving, hating, weddings, broken marriages, loss of parents, birth of children, infidelity and passionate kisses. He makes me want to be a better woman...stronger, brighter, open and daring.....But FFS this man drives me bat crap crazy!!
He is far kinkier than I have ever been...sex used to be an "issue" for me...hey can do that to a gal. He has been my therapy. I have very few hang ups about sex anymore...now that I want it ALL THE TIME....he is "too tired". Seriously....he works 3 jobs and is an amazing father that still finds time to lead a scout troop. I feel selfish even saying....well I want more. I want more time, more passion, more sex, more of him....How do I dare ask for more when I don't think he has it to give.....
If this is the real deal...how do I deal with only having a piece of him. I want all of him. I'm a horrible woman.

So here is the story about MY teddy bear:
About 9years ago my husband and I separated. It was Valentine's day (the day he asked me to marry him) and I was alone for the 1st time in several years. I received 1 dozen red roses at work (the note on the card read simply "to my heart thief" anonymously. That night my best friend showed up at my door with a cheesy heart shaped box of chocolates and a smile on his face. The words he spoke were life changing......."so, did you get my flowers?"
That stupid teddy bear (I am NOT a teddy bear kind of girl) has been with me through thick and thin. He has been loved on, tossed around, chewed on by doggies....and finally passed on.
I have the REAL Bear that gave me that bear now. I get to sleep with the real bear every night. That "friend" became The Bear, the love of my life. So Teddy has now been passed on....to someone that needs a piece of me, a piece of good luck and a piece of comfort. I can't be with you Kricket...but you got the next best thing. I hope you know that.
Holding behind his back was the softest teddy bear I have ever felt. He handed it to me and said..."when you are sad, alone, thinking of me, or just want a cuddle...this might help."

So on Friday the boss lady offered me an evening shift schedule for this up coming week. I said OK BUT it has to be evening that I can arrange care for my spawn. (I don't want to work this shift permanently because I will NEVER see him and I will not be able to help him with his homework)
So I agreed to T-W-Th and Friday....the weekend is up in the air...not sure what shift I will work *shrug*
This is where it gets interesting:
The dayshift charge nurse called me this morning at 7:08... says "Rubens" you are on the shed to be here. I LOL....nonono....I was told I was on eves all this week. Sorry I can not help you on this one. I am home with 3 spawn today and we have plans.
She tells me quite honestly she is VERY short and doesn't know what to do and getting very frustrated because this happens EVERYDAY and EVERY shift now that I am no longer doing the scheds.
Bummer....they should not have demoted me.
THEN the boss lady calls me and says "can you come in early today? I reminded her that I am OFF today....she is so fucked...she just fucked herself and the rest of her staff.
All she had to do was leave well enough alone.
SOMEONE above her needs to be observing this....something needs to happen. The residents are suffering as a result of HER lack of organization and people skills.

So the rumors are flying at work. The staff rumors don't bother me....but I had residents ask me yesterday ask me very personal questions....THIS BOTHERS ME!!!! I work where they live. They do NOT live at my work. And these less then pleasant things that have happened to me there should NEVER effect them. Shame on my coworkers for talking/gossiping in front of them. Shame on the management for not protecting the residents from work place politics.
As I stated in my last blog, I love my residents and families and they love me....they truly are extended family...so if they think I have been hurt or wronged in anyway...this hurts them...which in turn hurts me deeply.
I have had so many people tell me "it's just a job...don't take it personal." For those that say that to me...fuck off! It is personal. I bath them. I dress them. I am the one that sits with them on holidays when their families don't come to see them. I hold their hands when they take their last breath. If THOSE things are not personal....then what is for fucks sake?
If I didn't take "it personal" I wouldn't be good at what I do.

But the point of this rant....I still don't have a schedule. My boss doesn't have the goodness with in to talk to me and map it out for me for the rest of the month. I had to call her yesterday and ask her what my schedule was. the text I got back said "Tuesday".....so to this I ask????? Am I being overly sensitive (yes I can be) when I say...this is a hostile work environment.... the bosses won't speak to me and I get a day by day schedule...after being demoted???? And let me say this...if had done this to a staffer when I was in charge of scheduling....I would have gotten in trouble.
*sigh*

So I try really hard not to dwell on the the "why" is this happening to me....when I fall into shit.
By the way: I am one of those folks that falls into shit and smells like shit....not like a rose.
So the past 9 days have SUCKED! My hours were cut at work...I was demoted....I have had no hits on my resume/applications yet....
ANYWAY...I work in a nursing home...I have been in middle management for the last 15 months...I was demoted to an aid on the floor....you know the job I did when I was 20yrs old. Don't get me wrong....I LOVED IT...but it is hard on the body....lots of running and lifting....I'm too fucking old for that.
BUT I had 2 residents today...tell me that when they heard I was on the floor as an aid they prayed that I would be assigned to them. So I know the "why". For some reason I was sent to take care of those ladies that asked for me.
I'm so sore today I have barley move. My feet hurt and my back aches...but those 2 ladies make me forget about it.

So...
I am adopted.
I am a stepchild.
I married into a family.
I gave birth ONCE.
I have friends.
I have a boyfriend and he has children, we live together thus I am a psuedo "step parent"....FYI I HATE the term "step"
I hope you see the obvious here....IF you do not, allow me to "splain".
I have damn near NO bloodline. My ONLY bloodline is the 1 time I have given birth.
Now I am about to say something that you are not supposed to say......
Blood IS NOT thicker than water.
Yes if there was a fire and I had to choose (God forbid) between my sister and my son....I would pick my son....is that because he is blood related???? No jack ass it is because he is a child and she is an adult. DUH
Now with that being said allow me to get on my soap box.
Family...the conventional term is NOT just those blood connected.
Allow me to introduce you to a new term that I have invented and used OFTEN....fRamily. These are folks that start out as friends....but become: sisters, brothers, mom, dad, auntie....whatever.....they find away in OUR hearts that make them family.
As my MOTHER always told me: You did NOT grow under my heart, you grew IN IT!!!!

So during this Christmas season or Holiday season....remember your fRamily!!!