the army had learned that it is the best interest to at least have the troops exposed to the culture before being sent over. we had cultural sensitivity training, some rudimentary arabic, and had some iraqi's (living in the states now) come to speak to us about what to expect. even after this training, i wasn't sure what the actual iraqi people would be like. i must preface this by saying as a medical professional, once we were delivered by helicopter) to our FOB (Forward Operating Base) we were not allowed to leave except for when we went on leave and when we went on certain missions (air evacs, medical support missions, etc). when that happened we were taken by helicopter most of the time. all of this being said, my interaction with the iraqi's was limited to our interpreters. as i said before, these were locals who were vetted and hired. this was cost effective for the military as they were much cheaper than the ones hired from the US. we were taught to be very wary and afraid of even these people because they still could be working for the terrorists. the interpreters knew this and they were often treated with suspicion. this again surprised me because supposedly they had been vetted and there were a number of them who were killed because they were found to be working for us. after my initial wariness, i found them all to be wonderful people. they were people who were actually happy that we had removed saddam because they told us of horror under his rule. that being said, they were also able to express there unhappiness at some of the things that the US had done to their country. i took the opportunity to get to know them a little better than most. i worked out with them at the makeshift gym we had at the hospital (they were not allowed in the FOB gym), i played ping pong with them at the rec center on post and i sat and spoke with them during periods when we were not so busy. not surprisingly, they have the same dreams and aspirations as any normal person would. they had high hopes for their country and they desperately wanted the hostilities to cease. my only real opportunity to see people during their "daily lives" was when i went on a mission to the green zone (medical support for the trial of saddam) and took the opportunity to go out on a patrol with another unit as their medic. i did not tell my unit that i went and they would have been pissed! we passed markets and storfronts and had the chance to see what their lives were like at that time. we were hardly given a second look as we drove around baghdad. i was able to take many wonderful pictures. after the mission i was told that i could have dismounted the vehicle when we made our stops..............noton your life. i was there to help if needed, but the threat of danger was always in the air. riding around with a weapon with a round in the chamber can make you feel that way. i apologize for today...i have been especially incoherent as this was my 3rd night of 5. thank you again to all who have taken the time...i promise better in the future. next i will try and explain what it is like through the eyes of a soldier..good night.

the army had learned that it is the best interest to at least have the troops exposed to the culture before being sent over. we had cultural sensitivity training, some rudimentary arabic, and had some iraqi's (living in the states now) come to speak to us about what to expect. even after this training, i wasn't sure what the actual iraqi people would be like. i must preface this by saying as a medical professional, once we were delivered by helicopter) to our FOB (Forward Operating Base) we were not allowed to leave except for when we went on leave and when we went on certain missions (air evacs, medical support missions, etc). when that happened we were taken by helicopter most of the time. all of this being said, my interaction with the iraqi's was limited to our interpreters. as i said before, these were locals who were vetted and hired. this was cost effective for the military as they were much cheaper than the ones hired from the US. we were taught to be very wary and afraid of even these people because they still could be working for the terrorists. the interpreters knew this and they were often treated with suspicion. this again surprised me because supposedly they had been vetted and there were a number of them who were killed because they were found to be working for us. after my initial wariness, i found them all to be wonderful people. they were people who were actually happy that we had removed saddam because they told us of horror under his rule. that being said, they were also able to express there unhappiness at some of the things that the US had done to their country. i took the opportunity to get to know them a little better than most. i worked out with them at the makeshift gym we had at the hospital (they were not allowed in the FOB gym), i played ping pong with them at the rec center on post and i sat and spoke with them during periods when we were not so busy. not surprisingly, they have the same dreams and aspirations as any normal person would. they had high hopes for their country and they desperately wanted the hostilities to cease. my only real opportunity to see people during their "daily lives" was when i went on a mission to the green zone (medical support for the trial of saddam) and took the opportunity to go out on a patrol with another unit as their medic. i did not tell my unit that i went and they would have been pissed! we passed markets and storfronts and had the chance to see what their lives were like at that time. we were hardly given a second look as we drove around baghdad. i was able to take many wonderful pictures. after the mission i was told that i could have dismounted the vehicle when we made our stops..............noton your life. i was there to help if needed, but the threat of danger was always in the air. riding around with a weapon with a round in the chamber can make you feel that way. i apologize for today...i have been especially incoherent as this was my 3rd night of 5. thank you again to all who have taken the time...i promise better in the future. next i will try and explain what it is like through the eyes of a soldier..good night.

first and foremost, upon reflection of my ramblings while at work, i may have been a little dishonest without intending to be. when i first went to iraq, didn't want to perform the mission which had been thrust upon me. i had always envisioned that i would be taking care of "the good guys". as a new and very dear friend has pointed out to me (correctly, i may add), that may not always be the side that i am on. the compassion which overcame me was a result of what i was experiencing. the compassion was a true and honest feeling however.
i had planned on discussing the toll of the war and my limited experiences with the actual iraqi people, but i received a very profound and thought-provoking PM. when i spoke yesterday of the ability of the terrorist to recruit by offering some form of payment, please do not think for a second that some irony was lost on me. while i was over there (and it continues today), the military makes it a point of emphasizing the large number of soldiers who re-enlist while serving in the combat zones. what may not be known to many people is that there is a often a bonus associated with the re-enlistment and since it takes place in a combat zone the money is tax free! could this be equated to the terrorists ploys to recruit? i would argue that it very well could be. the soldiers re-enlisting often do so just for the money and to provide for their families.
i also want to point out that in the beginning of my army career, i joined up as a part time job. i had squandered the first opportunity i had at college because i was more interested in partying and playing division I soccer. i lasted 3 years before they threw me out and i saw the military as a way to learn a skill and make a few bucks. when i joined, i thought it was only for people like me who really couldn't get a real job. i quickly learned that not all were crazed killers, nor were they all ignorant. don't get me wrong, i have met those as well. did i ever think that i would last 20 years.....HELL NO. but i thought that i have a skill that would be helpful in a time of need. thank God i found a calling in the medical field. i really enjoy what i do and i believe that i am very good at it. whether i feel right or wrong about my country's involvment in ANY conflict, as a nurse i felt that i would be able to save the life of somebody's son or daughter. i believe that i have done that many times over. i am not proud of my country in all that it does, but when i put on the uniform i vow to be there for my fellow man (combatant, non-combatant, friend, or foe) to try and ensure that they will be able to carry on. my moral compass sometimes gets lost in the magnetic fields of the world, but i continue to try my best each and every day. it is not my place to apologize for my country, but i will ensure that i will not have to apologize for my actions in any way.
these ramblings may not have not hit the screen as clear and concise as i may have liked and for that i do apologize. for anyone who has actually taken the time to read all this.........get a life!!!!!LOL.......no, thank you very much....tomorrow, perhaps the iraqis

Today's chapter will be: detainees! Not prisoners of war as there is no real defined enemy as it were. But leave no doubt, we are at war. I have seen the eyes of pure evil and I have seen the eyes of scared boys who were only trying to provide for their families. Yes, the terrorist would pay people (all are poor and some are mentally ill or of diminished capacity) to plant IEDs or scout for them. They were just trying to help THEIR loved ones.
My "guilt" over the whole affair takes many faces. I feel bad because I (we) come from the land of plenty. I could not imagine facing the hardships that are faced by many. I also feel guilt because our mission was a "thankless" mission. Never in my career did I imagine that I would have to spend time away from my family, in danger, to "take care of the enemy". While not openly frowned upon by collegues, it is not a mission that anyone wants. Another facet, the one I will impress upon you all, is the fact that I was stationed at the infamous Abu Ghraib prison. You have all seen the pictures of the atrocities commited by a few bad apples. My Abu Ghraib was keeping a 20year old detainee awake and coherent long enough to say good bye to his family as he died of leukemia....we were able to by the way. Then the rush was on to get his compassionate release before he died so we could actually give his body to his family and NOT CID! We accomplished that as well. My Abu Ghraib was also one where I actually felt for the detainee who blew his right arm off as he was making a home made bomb. Yes, the look in his eyes when the interpreter told him that he no longer possessed his "clean hand" got to me. Was it supposed to?.....HELL NO, this was a man who was trying to plant a bomb........but it did. Could I tell my fellow soldiers...no. My Abu Ghraib was seeing the terrible pain and suffering that was inflicted upon man from both sides. My Abu Ghraib is having attempted (and still still fighting) to get an interpreter his visa for the US because our country turned his back on him. Mind you the interpreters who worked for us actually had bounties on their heads. Am I man enough to admit that as I write this there are tears in my eyes? I can attribute it to a long nights work, but I know the truth. Yes, I felt for those who I care for as they died EVEN THOUGH I knew in my heart they would have killed me if they could........yes, I saw pure evil and I still held its hand.........

i have debated with myself for a little while. i have decided to lay myself out there. i am a little screwed up. some of you may be surprised, but i think i have sufficient coping skills....although sometimes they fail. i saw stuff in iraq that really messed me up mentally. our mission was primarily to take care of detainees. we have two hospitals set up to take care of all the terrorists who were trying to kill us. that being said, we also took care of coalition soldiers and civilians who were injured near us. we would often have a soldier in one trauma bed and a terrorist (detainee) in the next. if the detainee was more injured, he was treated first. very tough mission mentally. i came home and am seeking help from the va (getting meds and therapy), and yet on my claim they want me to "prove" that i have a condition caused by my deployment. do they want me to show them the pictures in me head of mangled bodies and blood everywhere? do they want me to call them when i wake up in the middle of the night sweating? i never felt that my life was in danger (stupid me as we were mortared all the time and the was rounds coming over the wall constantly), but no one should have to see what we all did. there are many of us out there and i don't think the full cost will be seen for years. my wife doesn't want to hear about my experience (i don't blame her), she just wants me "fixed".....and so do i.
so yes, i drink tooo much and sometimes i may be a little moody on here....sorry to all for that. maybe by blogging about it i may get some kind of relief...therapy as it were. for anyone who actually takes the time to read these ramblings...thank you.

tonight is the first of 5 in a row for me....have to pay for the time i had off i guess. i haven't had to work 5 in a row since iraq.....but there was nothing else to do but work over there. for those who of you who don't know, my days are 13hrs long. i know doing a bit of whining, but i try not to do it often. i will apologize now if i am on and grumpy :).

What could I possibly have to talk about that anyone would be interested in???? Not sure, but I would like to thank all of my NN friends for their support and friendship on the site. I have never "chatted" before and sure as hell have never posted pics, but I have felt welcomed here and for that I owe a debt of gratitude. I am, by nature, a very private person and do not have the "normal" life-long friends. I am now seeking out those like me and have found many friends here. Thank you so much for your support and I look forward to meeting all of you. xoxoxoxo