casstess's Blog

so, i'm posting some old vids that i had taken down due to this weird moral issue i had a year ago. interestingly enough it was the same motivating man that inspired me to find them and post again. the moral of the story is two part, 1: never listen to the man when you are not really listening and 2: never fear showing yourself, no matter the reasons. ..and i guess i should add 3: always have fun and respect yourself. happy perving... the videos should upload soon. xoxox -cass

There exists such an odd disconnect between mind and body sometimes. Considering they are joined and influence each other, that is quite peculiar. For instance, even though I am completely aware that I am an exhibitionist, I am uncomfortable with parts of my body. Though I love showing off, I remain sensitive to certain things.

Perhaps it was something so simple as purchasing shoes today that brought this writing to my mind; that would be in combination with realizing three days ago that my rollerblades from fifteen years ago don’t fit anymore. I am a 33 year old, 145 pound, 5’8” female that had size nine skates I could only wear now if I chopped off my first two toes. My latest sneakers were 10.5, and the dress shoes I got today were 11 (for relative purposes, 9 ½ mens or 42 england). Being a swimmer, that was always a good thing, but what makes me even more freakish is that these shoes had straps, and my foot is so narrow that I will have to take a hammer and nail to make a tighter hole. I’ve always joked about my “flippers” but this incident made me realize that there are just some things that I would really need a man I want to be with (and wants to be with me) to understand.

I believe that a wonderful event would be to lay with that right man and guide his hand across my body and all my insecurities. I’d probably end with the feet, but I’ll start there because that is where I started this conversation. I’d explain; feel these, this is me. I have large feet; I’m kinda tall and they help me with gravity, especially because I am accident prone. Then again, I would want to share a laugh because they have also gotten me into trouble with things, like stubbing toes or dropping cement blocks on them. That basically sums up the point of this writing. I have features that simultaneously work for me and don’t. I can do little about them in most ways, and I really don’t want to. This is me.

I would hold hands with the man, show that I have long skinny fingers, and clarify that I feel self conscious of that. I would want to explain that I have superstitions regarding my left ring finger that I’m sure can be understood. I broke it playing Death Frisbee and it’s a little bent. …of all the fingers… I’ve always figured it’s a sign, or a curse…. I would need the man to know that.

I would guide his hand to my belly. I’m not fat; I’m not skinny; I know that. However, when I sit upright I get that pooch thing that folds a bit. I am really sensitive about that because I don’t have the six pack abs I see on the late night Chuck Norris athletic equipment commercials. I probably never will and I’m okay with that, but I would want to have my man touch me there and understand that is me. That is how I am. I’m just configured that way. I am not an airbrushed centerfold model that starves herself. I like bacon and beer.

I would then guide this man’s hand to my face. I have a scar on my lip from when my cat and I had what I will call a disagreement. Even though it’s fairly recent, this mark may never go away. It’s subtle, but at kissing range, probably apparent. I have scars on my arms from the little guy as well. None are real bad, but visible if one looks intently. Though I may not like these permanent marks on my body, I would need this man to understand that, although noticeable, they are nothing compared to the scratches on my heart.

This is where the body and mind conjoin. When we as individuals realize that each part of the body means something to the mind. The point is in trying to explain it to another. When the time comes, will I be able to do that? Will I be able to tell you all that is bothersome about me? Furthermore, does expressing these insecurities make you feel less secure about wanting to be with me?

“tion”
Isn’t it amazing when you feel so uncertain about a certain situation and then a friend affronts you with a confrontation about you doing and being someone that likes attention... and I say no. There is an indication and insightful recognition gained from that person who knew you then; that I then have the realization that it is not who i am now. That indication then leads to the provocation that one is always in a fluctuation that is subject to deduction. Of course, the inclination is to a definition (for one in a further destination) even though the separation is so far. When one desires recognition, is it so wrong to want that initiation instead of separation by a phone?

You ever have the experience of getting off a phone call and thinking, “well, that wasn’t right”. That though you have had a connection with a person before, it seemed like the circuitry was broken. In old school terms, the telephone lines went down. Okay, half the population won’t understand that reference, but it means that communication was out of order.

In this instance, I’ll admit, I went zen. Zen for me is listening to songs really loud over headphones that will probably damage my hearing. That’s okay though, because I’ll die from cigarette smoking first and won’t have time to notice the hearing loss. Wish I could LOL that, but that’s probably not appropriate.

Anyways, I was upset. However, I have this amazing way of turning around my upsetness once I rationalize/realize/understand. (Flash forward to ten hours later taking a shower.)

A shower is not only a way to cleanse the body, but also it has an amazing way of cleansing the mind. Mid-shampoo, I realized that the "other” had a very long day and wanted to talk about things: the who, the what, the wheres…… I made a point I wanted to talk about other things, creative things: the the why and the how. For how often we are on the same page, we obviously weren’t.

At that point, a proper “adieu” should have been said. When talking, we are so often in the middle fluctuating back and forth and it is wonderful. However, when one is talking things and the other desires ideas, there is never a middle to be had.

Classic psychology will always point out that a man mostly talks about “stuff”, but then, what is to be done when I realize they are capable of talking about more than that? Should one be disconcerted when they don’t? Should I just accept the masculine styles and be beaten on the head by the who, what, wheres? Or, do I stand up and assert my “Why”?
...or maybe i just think too much and write too much and end up being ridiculous.

I want someone who loves my laugh as much as I love making it

I want someone who thinks that scrambled eggs and bacon at dinner and steak for breakfast is a wonderful idea

I want someone that understands why splashing in puddles is fun

I want someone that knows how to open a beer bottle with a lighter, or some other unconventional way

I want someone that isn’t afraid to admit they were wrong, and someone that isn’t afraid to point out when I am

I want someone who understands that the new is wonderful, the past is beautiful, but that the present is all we have right now

I want someone that thinks that board games are better than WOW

I want someone who can listen to music and feel it in their heart and soul

I want someone that thinks it is a delight to curl up, forget the outside world, and watch three movies in a row

I want someone that understands the human body is an instrument meant to be played

I want someone who knows that captain crunch is one of the best cereals ever, even though they know it fucks up the roof of your mouth

I want someone that will search for prehistoric shark’s teeth with me on blind pass beach

I want someone that understands that laundry is optional, and that picking up the cleanest thing on the floor is completely okay

I want someone that sees bandanas or hats as a viable hairstyle option

I want someone that knows I am crazy, and adores me for it

I want someone that is comfortable in their own skin, and makes fun of me when I devise questions about when I am negative about how I look

I want someone that knows pi to at least five decimals

I want someone that loves my best friend, but not too much

I want someone that appreciates skeeball, knows what cricket is in darts, and can handle their side of a foosball table

I want someone that doesn’t hesitate to say what they mean when they mean what they say, and expects that to be reciprocated

I want someone that I can talk to for hours and feel like I’ve never said enough

I want someone that appreciates how I have my own personal goals and that I will always have a life separate from being together

I want someone that notices the perfume I am wearing

I want someone that is able to see how strong and how weak I can be

I want someone that thinks making oreo quadruple stuffs is an architectural wonder

I want someone that knows themselves

I want someone that understands that the future is always uncertain

have you ever realized that your anger geared towards an individual that is seemingly trying to change you actually becomes a realization that change and reality is inevitable, and that you were in denial of certain things all along? that the anger wasn't anger, that it was being manifested due to the frustration with societies mores that have been upsetting you for so long... and the worst, or most wonderful, part of the story is admitting they were right...

Sunday’s Star

Do you ever feel like you’re part of a story
That’s not truly told
That something’s amiss, and your world is adrift
And everything is getting old
Communication, in the relation
Something, oh, it ain’t right
We flounder on words and what is heard
Cause were not laying in the same bed tonight
So the difficulties, and logical faulties
That’s just where we are
The way that I see, nothing can be
Solving it all …so I look to a star...

...star light, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have this wish that I make tonight

As I close my eyes, I dream of two dreamers
Wishing they weren’t miles away
That there fate-strings would intertwine
And they would be together someday
But if one talks in circuitous fashion
And hung up on before they get horse
The point that he makes is the lead that i break
And the drift is of tectonic force
If the star-crossed lovers only knew of their plans
Then maybe they wouldn’t be apart so far
But all that one can do tonight
Is wish, wish on that first shone star

And what that wish might be...

That what this lonely florida girl doesn’t
Want, is what is just physical
that she’ll never be as happy if
she doesn’t have the intellectual
and she never should complain
about the lack of rain, in LA
cause you never know what’s near
even when it so very far away

A soundbyte, from a satellite
Projecting stories back to phones
But when broadband, gets disband
Leaves you in the dark, all alone
With a story greater than the sum of its parts
A conclusion that was never reveled
So maybe that bright star tonight
Will help tell you how I feel

Star light, your bright
The first that I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Please grant this that I wish tonight

Ever since I first joined NN almost ten years ago, this place has bewildered me. Then again, so does the thought that just occurred that I’ve known of NN for almost a third of my life.

What starts out soft, gets hard; what starts out sexy becomes sexual; what starts as social deviance becomes an individual norm. And yes, that is supposed to be a double entendre. Dante would describe the journey into NN depths much more eloquent, but alas, he used up all his talents in the middle ages and could not be here today.

There’s the causal user that stops by for a quick peek, the person who wants to hide the majority of certain shots, and the one that delves right into a specific category. NN has those that become verified and there are ones who have an endless internal debate about whether or not to show their face. There are members that constantly update their status or blogs, NNers that follow the forums and expound for days on topics, and people that enter into the pit and try to just keep up with the scroll. There are the sweet, the dirty, the sexy, the cute. There are the fat, the slim, the shy and the bold. I respect them all (except, in chat, the “25 hot horny male looking for lesbian couple to cam with NOW. You’ll love what you see”. Repeat. PRV. Repeat. ….mod?)

One of the things that got me thinking about this blog was receiving a wonderful PM from one of the people I’ve known the longest here. He said, “I think you were right when you once said that we were much alike. So it is most unfortunate that we are a generation or more apart!” Well, and a big pond, but that’s not the point. The beauty of NN is that so much of society’s mores are thrown out the window. We are able to understand people stripped down to their essence and appreciate them for that. (yeah, yeah, another double entendre; too much of a good thing gets old… or does it?)

Age, size, skin color, hair (or lack thereof), promiscuousness, location, and sexual preference have no bearing here. If you don’t like what you see, you simply move onto something you do, with no hatred or loathing involved. Ah, if only society could be so kind.

But then, of course, when you do make friends here, it follows that by the very nature of NN, that friendship exists outside of expected norms. What is supposed to happen when people have connected and enter into IM? When one calls another on the phone? When members make a date for a photo shoot or more? I find the answer to all of these to be “anything”. For, if we have already chosen to not follow societal norms, than each of us really are making it up as we go along. To me there is nothing more beautiful than creating an endlessly mutable definition of ourselves.

Of course, it naturally follows that after discussing friends, one mentions relationships. What if someone is perhaps 2,676 miles away? I have had many discussions with people regarding how to bring their partner into NN world. (I tried to do so too, but became disgusted when I felt he was just trying to placate me). What about the reverse? To bring a relationship from here to out there, some of those aforementioned societal factors start taking hold.

Moreover, while Dante may be eloquent, I believe Shrek would say we are like onions. Once again, I must apologize; Shrek could not be here today because he’s farting in a bog somewhere talking to his ass. The layers are quite reversed in NN in regards to societal standards. First you see them naked, then you may see their personality in text, and then that special individualized bit of wackiness and bad habits comes out. This type of thing is like being through the looking glass and makes for a very confusing world.

All in all, NN is a wonderful place filled with wonderful people (except you, chat spammer). Although I am a true Aquarian, and my mind is always in the future, every once in a while I do have the capability to explore the past and the present.

“If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane” -J. Buffett

i just wanted to copy this here. this is in in regards to NN pics being used on porn sites:

i usually don't spend too much time in forums, and am here on NN for the community aspect and as a playful exhibitionist outlet for the friends i meet here. i read this thread and checked for myself. i was astonished to discover that an old NN photo of me was on porn-weaver.com and linked directly to my current gallery (and even does so when i say that i only want my profile to be viewable by friends). i know that i agree to a disclaimer when i post and understand my pics may show up other places, but i am sad to see that my pic on a porn website went right to my entire gallery here on NN. that made this premium member feel like a cheap hooker, part of a seedy porn ring where clicking on one pic gets you to another pic and then to another, etc. although i like the idea of having a special invite only gallery for premiums, i would like to suggest another idea as well. how about those pictures on other sites just link to the NN welcome page? i think that would get across the idea that we really are "the world's best amateur nude _community_". isn't this place for more than just looking at other people or being looked at? ...it's commenting, and pming, and discussing and feeling welcome and being accepted for who you are. just a thought...

i just wanted to share my experience with everyone:

just a few days ago, i went on a camping trip with my boyfriend to a natural springs area a few hours drive from where i live. now, i love camping and i've been many times before, but none of the times have been like this. we camped towards the end of the property, right on the river, and no other campers were in sight. now, if you've looked at my pics, vids, and profile, you know i'm an exhibitionist in general, but this experience allowed me to be so free. i took to just being naked all the time. there is so much freedom in being naked out-of-doors. i went down on my boyfriend and we had sex so many times a day it was fabulous. feeling the breeze against my naked nipples was so stimulating, and the beauty of the site only turned me on more. i took some pics of myself, which i will post, and i only wish i had my boyfriend's permission to post pics of a naked him that i took as well (trust me, you ladies would be so impressed!). if you haven't had the opportunity to do this yourself, get out there and be free! what a fantastic feeling... -cass