Will I Live to Be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age"
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
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male crab and a female lobster are dating, but they are hiding it from their parents because of the obvious reason. Eventually the lobster gets tired of all the secrecy and she tells her father, who is furious and forbids her to see the crab again.
“But why can’t I see the crab again? We’re in love!” cries the lobster. “Because,” says the father, trying to search for a reasonable answer, “crabs walk sideways and we walk straight!” “Please, father,” she begs. “Just meet him once and I’m sure you will change your mind.” The father finally agrees to meet the crab and she runs our to tell him the good news. The crab is so excited that he practices walking straight. He practices and practices until finally he can walk straight. He walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can. The father sees him coming and yells to his daughter, “Hey, here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The very proper lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."
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LIVE WELL// LAUGH WELL// LOVE WELL// happy week!! | 
