michael1's Blog - page 6

38 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid


1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
got this from a friend up north today;
Summer is about over so...
WINTER POEM
The best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while...
try to memorize this poem by December.....


" WINTER "
A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre


" SHIT, It's Cold ! "
__________________

cold front here, going down in the 50's tonite. 70's tomorrow . hope everyones weekend is awesome!

Ever wonder??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#1...Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?

#2...Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
know there is no money in the account?

#3...Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

#4...Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

#5...Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal
injection?

#6...Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

#7...Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him?

#8...Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

#9...Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

#10..If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

#11.. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?

#12..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

#13..Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

#14..Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

#15..Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you
first try?

#16..How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?

#17..When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say,
"It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say,"That
hurt, you stupid idiot?"

#18..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to knock somethingelse
over?

#19.spamspamspamspam winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
in summer when we complained about the heat?

#20..How come you never hear father-in-law Jokes?

#21..If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try it like
your girlfriend / wife told you to do it?

#22..And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't
take up sky diving!

#23..The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
**Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's
you!
__________________
have a great weekend! ..love well/laugh well/live well

ok . 2 today but, cat lovers do not read the second one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. A queen size waterbed can hold enough water to fill a house that is 1500 square feet 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and then proceed to run them over with roller blades, they will ignite.

3. A three year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

5. It is strong enough, however, if you tie a paint can to it, and then watch in awe as it spreads paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

6. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

7. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

8. The glass in windows doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

9. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it means you're already too late.

10. Brake fluid mixed with clorox makes smoke, lots of it.

11. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a grown man says they can only do it in the movies.

12. Play Dough and Microwave should never ever be used in the same sentence.

13. Super glue is forever.

14. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

15. Pool filters don't like Jell-O.

16. VCRs do not eject peanut butter sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

17. Garbage bags don't make good parachutes.

18. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys burn easily in ovens.

20. The local fire department has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine doesn't make earth worms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
__________________
How to Bathe a Cat


Thoroughly clean the toilet.


Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.


Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.


Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.


Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.


Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.


The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
A DOG OWNER
__________________
ok a joke! live well/ laugh well/ love well

happy holloween, everyone! i tsk,tsk,. have never had a trick or treater since i moved out here. the paved road ends before my house and its quite a walk from the gate to the front door.i open the gate every year and scobbie (dog)is put on the back (screened in) porch.i am going to have all my candy left over. so if anyone needs candy tonite, please let me know.

Doggie Dictionary

Leash:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your mom and dad where you want him/her to go.

Dog Bed:
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

Drool:
What you do when your mom and dad have food and you don't. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor. Or better yet, on their laps.

Sniff:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply. Repeat several times or until your person makes you stop.

Garbage Can:
A container where mom and dad put food they don't want to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

Bicycles:
Two-wheeled exercise machines invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes and you prance away.

Deafness:
This is an affliction which affects dogs when their mom or dad want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

Thunder:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Mom and dad remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following their every move.

Wastebasket:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your mom and dad come home.

Sofas:
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

Bath:
This is a process by which mom and dad drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Lean:
Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" Especially if your mom and dad are dressed for an evening out. This is incredibly effective before black tie events.

Bump:
The best way to get your mom and dad's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

Goose bump:
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn't get the attention you require. Especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.

Love:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

10 HALLOWEEN PHRASES THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT THEY ARENT

10. She's a goblin!

9. I'd like to get a little something
in the sack tonight.

8. Just get on your hands and
knees and bob your head.

7. She's got a couple of nice
pumpkins on her porch.

6. If you just lick it,
it will last longer.

5. Let me see your big sack.

4. Can I eat your zagnuts?

3. Have your mom check it
before you put it in your mouth.

2. You scared me stiff!



And the dirtiest sounding but
not-dirty Halloween saying is...



1.He's got candy spread out
on the living room floor!

happy saturday and happy holloween!! Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.

He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing.

He looks down and sees a small sausage roll.

Hmmm, he thinks. Vhat's going on here.

A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing.

Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and .... crash.

Smacked on the back of the head again!!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing.

He's getting really angry now.

Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night.

Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder.

With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pineapple.


On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, who are you?

She replies my name is ...........








Buffet, the Vampire Slayer!
__________________
he-he!

From the Northwest Florida Daily News

Comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.


The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.


On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.






The mechanic,

however,

had to have three stitches in his forehead..




__________________



I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person


love well/laugh well /live well

happy day !!love n hugs! A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
__________________
live with intention. walk to the edge.
listen hard. practice wellness.
play with abandon. laugh.
choose with no regret. continue to learn.
appreciate your friends. do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.

the power of a hug. its always been awesome for me . and i say that alot here . i hug the people i love every day. a very great friend of mine went off to nev. with a guy she came back today . it did not work out . we hugged for a very long time today. we both felt that power . that its going to be ok. hug the people you love as often as you can.there is no greater power.