Things certainly are different sitting here updating my blog than they were last month!
I realized I come here to blog when I have something sad going on and need to talk/blog it out, but this morning I feel like blogging and things are pretty good!!
A couple Mondays ago Teddybear and I were talking about stuff going on and the conversation ended with us going to meet for lunch the next day - I was excited he still wanted to get together but I was also a little scared about how it would go. But all went well! We had lunch and then had a couple hours together at Cabela's - I love going there w/him! It was a good visit....
For his birthday I bought him tickets to a concert and with everything going on I didn't know if we were going together, I was going alone or he would take someone else but this past weekend was the concert and we went together!!
As of this morning we have been together for a nice long weekend...he came to my place last Wednesday eve on his way to the western part of the state to work there for the weekend. Friday nite I went out there to stay with him. Saturday was the concert and we stayed there til Sunday afternoon and headed back to my place. He had Monday off and we just lazed around for a while, had brunch at a restaurant and headed up north, had to stop at Barnes & Noble along the way! Checked into the hotel got settled, took a nap, woke up in time for the Vikes game. Went to Subway for supper got back in time to see the Vikes loose It is now morning and I am vegging in the hotel room and he is at work. Tomorrow I go back home and back to work for me - yeah?
I try not to dwell on the past several weeks too much because Teddybear said not to but I have moments that I do think about it, sorry babe can't help it! He doesn't see it as a lesson learned but I do - I screwed up, I see and understand what I did wrong and am trying not to do it again!! Lesson learned!! I still have concerns, insecurities, fears and I worry but those are just me and my way. Working on the slowing down, having fun and relaxing is where I am right now and doing ok with it!
He's still sending out applications, Friday is a big day for him(I'm worried).
So many things can happen and life can go so many different ways, sometimes it feels like life is a merry-go-round, just going around and around with no stopping and you can't get off. Things/life ultimately isn't up to us but we can do the best at making it go how we want it to.....we're just along for the ride!!

I sat down and figured out how to post video links!! All by myself!! Ok, it wasn't hard I just actually took the time to do it!
My first 2 are in the previous blog....just for you sexy one!!!

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izhBOZdKadY[/url]

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEzW6GuaVuY[/url]

I have good moments and then suddenly I'm reaching for the box of tissues!!
The thing I've learned from this...listen to people and not just listen...HEAR them and take it to heart. I didn't and I hurt teddybear and myself. Like I told my Mom..this hurts worse than my divorce, that is the right decision - we grew apart but w/teddybear I moved too fast and that pushed him away. I also did and said things that I didn't realize would hurt him - but when I told him what I did he said he was jealous and hurt. I never intended to hurt him(and if I would have ever even had a hint he would have been jealous things would have definately been different) - those of you that know MN Teddybear/Serg know that he is one of the sweetest, kindest guys around!!
Maybe some day he can forgive me?? We can try again? I hope so becuase I have learned from what has happened between us lately and I feel I am becoming a better person - that's a good thing!!
Time will tell...like SexiBex reminded me:
If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours....

sort of. This is the letter I sent my Mom:
"Hi
Thanks again for the good day yesterday - it was fun, even the drive there!
I've lost him Mom....I screwed up, I pushed too hard, wanted too much - just trying to make my life happy and have what I want and I pushed him away. I told you about me almost leaving that night, I can't explain it to him or I can try but he doesn't understand. I would never leave him but right then and there my leaving was the best thing for him that I could do. I keep hurting him, doing the wrong things and dont talk how I should and that just is not right. He has given me so many second chances that I don't blame him for anything, it's all my fault. I thought I could handle the balancing act between our lives but wanting as much as I do, I failed. His kids are much more important than I am that's why I never asked for time from him while at home and kept our time together up north and only on my days off. I really hoped for a future with him, I felt and still feel it in my heart but with him not knowing who or what he wants for the future what can I do?! And I feel like such a hypocrite saying that having someone to do things with and go places with wasn't as important as the emotional connection and that those things will come with time - I want those things with him and it hurts not having him to do stuff with. I'm at a loss right now....this hurts more than the divorce!!!
We talked a little this am - he still wants to go to the concert and he said w/me. I hope we can go together I really do but he also said "no promises".
So what do I do?! Get over it and move on?! Easy for people to say and will be easy for him - I'm nobody special so moving on for him will be a piece of cake. But me?! I have to go to work and am not sure how I'm going to do it!!"

Well that's the gist of the letter.........

sometime things are just so bad and screwed up they can't even be blogged about................

happy stuff...happy stuff...happy stuff
He says write about happy stuff, I'M THINKING!!! Umm how about, nope that's not happy. Oh I know, nope that's not happy either. Well I could tell you about the horseshoe tournament at the family reunion - I didn't come in 1,2 or 3 so didn't get a trophy so that's not so happy - I sucked actually. Grandpa would NOT be proud of me, that's REALLY not happy. My second throw was not pretty(might tell you about it later, much later!), made it into the champ round because someone left early - had an awesome champ round just not good enough.
I just need to go to work, get my mind off of things and concentrate on work........

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Tonite talking to teddybear.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
deli turkey breast.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Probably.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
ME?? Heck no!!!.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS ?
No.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
NO WAY.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Don't eat cereal.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Physically, Yes. Emotionally and mentally, No

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Ben & Jerry's - Chubby Hubby.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Eyes.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
weight.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
My grandpa and great aunt, they are both deceased.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
No.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
blue & barefoot.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Peanuts.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
TV, Scrubs.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Blue.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
strawberries, vanilla, coconut.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Duh!!! Teddybear, of course.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS?
He didn't send it to me but I copied it from his blog and yes I like him very much.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Football, baseball, NASCAR, basketball, gymnastics, horse racing & other equine activities - cutting, reining, penning....

27. HAIR COLOR?
Mix of brown, red, grey - need to get that taken care of and soon.

28. EYE COLOR?
Blue.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, glasses.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Broccoli baby!! Shocker huh teddybear!!

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Surfs up.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
red.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
hmmmm.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs, kisses are good too but hugs are more comforting.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
fruit.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Don’t know.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND
Lots of people.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Band of Brothers, by Stephen E. Ambrose. almost done with it too so teddybear hurry up with yours so I can read that one...

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Don't have one.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
Twins game.

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Newborn lambs and their moms talking to each other.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Neither really but if I had to pick - Beatles.

44. FARTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME?
Houston, Tx.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can't relax, I move too fast and I don't have fun!

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
St. Cloud, Minnesota.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
He already answered

48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?
11:33 pm

life has no meaning today
why bother cuz I can't have what I want
other lives go on without me
being alone is what is meant to be
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Those of you with husbands, wives, children, partners, loved ones........don't take them for granted, hug them and tell them you love them everyday.
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some say cry it cleanses the soul, you need to do it to move on.......move on, move on to what? There's nothing to move on to, can't have what I want so what's the point.
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I'm sooo tired of being alone - when I was married I couldn't wait for alone time but now...I HATE it, I HATE being alone.
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Somedays this relationship is hard! And yes today is one of those days.......it's his birthday and I can't be with him. He is with his family, I understand that I really do but it doesn't stop my heart hurting from not being able to be with him on this special day - maybe I put too much heart into certain days? I don't know, it's just me, I'm sentimental - that's what I do...
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To those of you that PM me about my relationship with mn teddybear all I can say is YES it's real and not in my head. Just because he doesn't blog about me(and by the way he did read his Christmas blog - the time at a friends house, yup that's me)doesn't mean we aren't in a relationship. When teddybear and I met on a singles site we both agreed "just friends" and it was for a couple of months but one nite conversation went a different direction and Christmas Day our physical relationship started. Do I wish he would blog about me - heck yea! But it's his choice to talk about me or not. Here's how I see it - read his blogs they aren't all that upbeat and are usually about things that are bothering, frustrating or upsetting him - hey if he doesn't mention me I figure I'm doing something right and things are good between us...right?!?! One of you said because he doesn't talk about me or put on his profile that we are a couple he's in it for only one thing, that's your opinion and you don't know us. I know how he feels about me...I feel his arms around me at night, see his eyes when he looks at me, hear his voice when he talks to me - he cares for me - he says he does and I feel it when we are together. He knows how I feel about him, he knows that he makes me feel physically and emotionally like I've never felt before - and I like this feeling. How long will it last - who know how long any relationship will last but we are not measuring it, not a long term/short term relationship we are together for as long as it lasts. You have also said I am a fool and stupid for being with him - well I guess if I am then lesson learned right? But I don't believe it so say what you want........
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Then why do I feel this way today?! I'm an emotional person, especially where John is concerned, and not being with him today is even harder than my being alone on my own birthday. Lately I've had fears - fears of being alone for the rest of my life, not having someone to grow old with. You know the alzheimers commercial where the lady loses her keys and her husband finds them in the freezer, who's going to help me look for my keys?? But then on the flip side....why not just be alone? Why saddle someone with growing old with me and that person has to help me deal with my diabetes and what about dealing with cancer or something else....
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Something that really hurts my heart is that fact that I don't have any children....yes thankfully since I am in the middle of a divorce but it still hurts not having had any. My family reunion was last weekend and that was a hard day for me - I am the 3rd oldest of 36 granchildren and all my cousins there have little ones running around, it's hard to watch that. One of my aunts had the newest member of our family there - born on July 2nd, her 25th granchild. Yes that puts Grandma at about 60+ great grandchildren!! But anyway...I came away from the reunion with a heavy heart - I will never be called MOM, no birthdays, no graduations, confirmations, first dates, prom, homecoming, going to sporting events, college, weddings or grandchildren. And even though all that hurts me....my parents will never be grandparents - that one hurts most of all. I'm so sorry Mom & Dad.
I sit back and try to look through my life, what did I do wrong...what could I have done differently but I know it's God's decision and that's the life book he gave me, but why? I have wanted to be pregnant and have kids all my life, but I also realize that now it's too late. I'm 41 and the health issues that I have would put me in a high risk pregnancy - would I chance it? I don't know......
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Well I think my mood and emotional state have changed since the begining of this blog today! I went back to the beginning and thought about changing it but decided against it - things need to be said and if I delete them what good does that do?
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I told teddybear last night I made a stupid decision and was in pain because of it - he asked what I did and what was wrong. Well before I answered him I asked him to honestly answer 2 questions for me which he did and I told him what I did - not too crazy that he chuckled, but as a diabetic I made a huge mistake and endangered my feet. Well the reason for the 2 questions and needing an honest answer John was because I didn't want you changing plans just for me(not sure if you would anyway), it would just end up being that guilt thing. So... didn't go the Dr. just had a nurse look at them and she said they look ok, just keep checking them - if any spots blister more and open and it looks like an infection is starting get in to the Dr.
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So both my Mom and John say I need a hobby to help me through the days when I'm having a rough time and missing him so much my heart hurts - ha I told her John is my hobby! So I'm looking for a hobby but nothing strikes my fancy - sold my horse(divorce) and have alienated those friends, I don't know what to do nothing appeals to me right now. Maybe start painting ceramics again?? Guess I could always volunteer to work 7 days a week!!
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On a positive note - the divorce is one more step along FINALLY....the x got served the papers that we have been trying for some time to get him served with. Now for me to start going through our stuff and put that down on paper for a settlement - who gets what...help teddybear, Mom, somebody, anybody!!!
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Well I think I've said enough for today!!
Need to go catch up on emails since I haven't had the computer on since last Saturday...

not really sure where to start with this one - just not a good day today...
Woke up when Teddybear's alarm went off at 5am and haven't slept since, probably should have then all the bad would have left me alone - maybe!
Found out through the bill collector the soon to be x isn't paying the bills he was supposed to and now I'm stuck with them which means my hotel budget for coming to stay w/Teddybear is gone for a while - crying about that all day. Even harder is that next week is his birthday and I was planning on staying at his favorite hotel, he calls it the "comfy bed" hotel!!! How do I tell him?! Well guess I don't relly have to since he'll read it here so.......sorry babe
X texts me and asks where the divorce papers are, text back telling him the sheriff there is supposed to be serving him - he tells me that 2 lawyers he has talked to told him we could just sit with mediator and it would be done with because there is little to no disputing. HA YEAH RIGHT BUTTHEAD!!! He may think there is no dispute but the fact that I lost my state & federal tax refund and half of my stimulus check this year to back taxes he didn't pay - I would say there is a dispute. So splitting the money and assets down the middle?!?! Not going to happen my friend...
And to top it off - I call my lawyer to let him know x is contacting me, HE'S ON VACATION!!! Good to know someone is able to sit on the beach, relax and sip what ever it is he's sipping. Enjoy it lawyer man cuz when you get back we are having words and this divorce is going into warp speed - I WANT OUT NOW!!! If I have to find another lawyer so be it....And Teddybear - those comments that I've made lately, yes I do want the divorce and I didn't realize I made it seem like I was dragging my feet, I was just letting my lawyer hanldle it and letting is run it's course and trying to make it as stress free for myself as possible, now I see that that was probably the wrong way to go about it - I need to push and get it done.
Well now that all that is off my chest!!! The day is nice - sunny with a little breeze, no clouds and I'm sitting ouside our hotel room on a bench wondering how far back this truck from Wisconsin is going to back up!! His hitch is almost touching my knees!!! I look up from typing and look in the back window and he's grinning!! Like I say when I'm driving - if you're going to hit me hit me hard enough to make it worth it!!!
Ok so the sun is coming around and shinning right on me now and I put my hair up and I think it's time for sunblock - I can tell that cuz my skin hurts, not that it's burning yet but because of the meds I take for my diabetes - they make the skin more sensitive to sunlight.
Well...went inside for a bit and the clouds rolled in so I came back outside and started typing more and the clouds went away!!!
Camera in hand and am taking pics of the hotel/rv park - I like it here. Room for 12 rv's and there's just 7 rooms nice and cozy!! Although it is situated between a major highway and railroad tracks so it isn't completely peaceful and quiet!!!
This coming Saturday is my family(Dad's side) reunion, haven't seen many of these relatives since the last reunion about 10 years ago. I asked Teddybear awhile back if he would go with and he was hesitant about it so I let it drop. Since then he has met other family members(bless his heart)and I haven't asked him recently because I just feel like this is something I need to do on my own even thought it would be nice to have him there for moral support, I just can't force, beg or bribe him to go!! This side of the family is tough....on itself and others,we've been through alot over the years from a suicide of an uncle, major car accident injuring & taking lives, cousins husband(cop)being shot, divorces, losing Grandpa, Grandma's failing health and several years ago 2 cousins talking out about an uncle molesting them and his oldest daughter admitting that her 2 children were his. I love them all, but somedays.......
Even though Teddybear hasn't been around much this visit(long hours at work)I've needed the rest. This past weekend at work was rough, to say the least!! Friday was a 10 hour(that's what we work - 10, 9 or mid shift, Sat was 9am - 11pm and Sun was 7am - 11pm. Yep I was tired!! Monday was a 9 hr close shift and Tues was suposed to be a 9 hr mid but with the extra hours from the weekend I banked I got Tues off - good thing too cuz I was mentally and physically drained. So yeasterday and today have been extra lazy days!! The only thing that I did that NEEDED to be done was our laundry. Yes I do Teddybears laundry - I offered once and ever since then it's just something I do, how can I resist when he stands there holding his laundry bag and that sexy "you gunna do my laundry?" grin on his face!!!!
AH....the clouds are moving in - thick too!! But at least now I can see the screen and read what I've written!!! I've written lots!!!
Welll guess who just drove up?!?! YEAH!!! gotta go bye!!!