Its 12:20 am - Do you know where your Beachy is?? AT HOME! What a crappy way to start the New Year. I had a few offers to go out tonight but I just wasn't into it.

I got a message earlier this week telling me that on New Years my grandfather was rushed to the hospital in another province, in the middle of a blizzard. Literally I think my heart stopped beating until I heard the words "Hes ok for now". Had I been at home I would have been half way out the door. My grandfather is not old (hes 63 I think) so I knew this was serious. About a week ago I had spoken to my grandmother who is also not well and who had a bad leg and because of it fallen down the stairs and hurt her shoulder. Add in the stress of my grandfather to the mix, and well I feel like shit that I am not there.

I have always been close to my grandparents, but a few years ago I saw a brand new side to them which I will forever be grateful for. When my ex and I broke up my grandmother got me to stay there so that I could look after the house while they were away. Then when she came back she wanted me to stay a bit longer so I could watch it again shortly as they were going away for over a month. During this time I learned what real love was.

I grew up in a home where "love" wasn't there. Don't get me wrong - I was never abused or mistreated and I have a lot of happy moments. But my parents were always fighting, never hugged or kissed in front of us (or kissed/hugged me). The one time I remember seeing my parents laying on the couch it was odd because I wasn't used to that. Move ahead a few years and my ex and I's relationship became what my parents had. I pretty much felt like love you see on tv/movies/etc wasn't real.

My grandparents showed me the real thing, just by being themselves, how they treated each other and everyone around them. My grandmother would put her arms around my grandfather and kiss him when he came home for lunch or at the end of the day. Whenever she spoke of him she would always call him "My man". He adored her right back and did everything to make her happy. Hell not many men marry a woman older than themselves who already have 7 kids.

Writing this blog I am not sad. I am sitting her smiling, and remembering things passed on to me. Should something ever happen to them I will cry but I am so blessed. So I missed a Saturday night with friends or the man of my dreams - instead I spent it with a lifetime of memories. Odd how blogging about one thing leads you down another path.

So have you ever been so cranky you find stuff to bitch about everywhere. Hahah I think I took it too an extreme tonight. I was waiting for my bus and I was looking around at the people near me.
-Like one lady had extensions that were so obviously fake and the hair color, texture etc didn't match. Fine if she was 17 but she was at least 50
- the doofus (ok yeah he was cute but still) guy who was dressed nicely and all - but was wearing this stupid flannel army hat and looked like it was made for a 4 year olds head
- the guy listening to the techno death metal music that was so loud I just wanted to sing along at the top of my lungs to prove there was something more annoying than his music
-or the chick in the red pants that looked like she stole off a homeless hooker, however they paled in comparison to the gianormus red hat she was wearing that had some fucked up holly bouquet stuck to the front. Not only was it large but it was all clumped together and smooshed as only items stored in the bottom of a heap for 8 years can get.

Hahah it came to a point where I was seeing so much "flaws" around me I almost laughed myself out of my mood.

Jesus I sure hope the first 4 days of 2008 are not an indication of whats to come.

First off, Happy New Year everyone!!! Hope everyone had fun last night - and if you are like me you are still paying for it.

I've been thinking about 2007 and I have to say it was an amazing year for me.

- Got a new job
- Flew on a plane for the first time
- Saw my brother who I haven't seen in I think 7 years
- Saw a lot of other family I haven't seen in a long time
- Got to go to soooooooo many Leafs games
- Learned to play a guitar (ok so its Guitar Hero but thats as close as I will come)
- Saw/Went to sooooo many new places in Toronto/Sask/Alberta
- Learned I can make it on my own
- The *most* important thing to me - I have made sooooooo sooooooo sooooooooo many new friends who have made my life so much better. Some have effected my life just for a night or a week, others will live beside me or in my memory for a life time. One is basically my long lost twin, another is my own personal therapist who puts up with my shit daily on top of being a great guy, another who stole my heart, another who makes me feel incredible about myself...and the list goes on.

My life is becoming - or may possibly be- what I have always wanted it to be. I still have some more to accomplish of course but that is what keeps it interesting. I do have a little bit of sadness in my at the moment because I have a huge decision to make and I can't seem to get a clear view on what path to take. Time hasn't really helped yet but the longer it goes on the more someone will get hurt -myself or one of two friends. I find it quite humorous that I used to think life was so black and white.

Anyways enough babbling. But a parting question...If you had to pick a song that came out in 2007 to sum up your year what would it be? I have a few in mind and want to ponder it a bit longer

Cheers to 2008

So today was a better day. I went boxing day shopping and UGGGH WTF was I thinking. It so wasn't worth it. I think if you went out with an item in mind it was ok, but if you were like me just wandering looking for a sale then it was pointless. However...I did buy the Rock Band game. Sadly though it didn't come with the instruments so if anyone out there knows where I can get them kindly let me know please

I am very upset at the moment with my brother. He is probably the most important person in the world to me and for Christmas he didn't send a gift (which is TOTALLY fine) or a card. He called me Christmas afternoon for literally 30 seconds. Said Merry Christmas and I cant talk in the same sentance basically. I know now that he is married he has new in laws and a new family I just didn't think he was going to forget his old one. He told me how he played his new PS3 all day waiting to go to his wifes grandparents for dinner. So no reason why he couldnt have spent 5 minutes calling me.

Yesterdays blog was basically because of that - plus the fact I snapped at a great friend when he asked me about my day. I have since apologized although he assured me none was needed.

I am sorry to all those I came off depressed or childish too. As much as I have gone through a lot of crap in my life I had really great Christmases growing up and now I miss that. But I would rather be an adult with a lousy Christmas than a child. For that I sincerely thank my parents. I may not have much to do with my parents today but whatever they did, it must have been ok because I think I've grown up to a pretty nice person...haha well at least most days.

If one more person asks me what I got for Christmas I am going to slap them. I realize its not asked to hurt me but it does. I don't need another reminder of how I am alone and not even my family can at least make an attempt to call me.

I am sorry I know I am acting like a baby and that Christmas isnt for me and that there are people in way worse situations than I am, I just hoped this year was going to be different.

For Christmas I am asking for one thing...if there are any of you out there who haven't called your loved ones, do it. You have no idea how much difference a single call can make.

OK so Fergie lied...Big girls DO cry. I am trying so hard - I swear I am. The tears haven't fallen yet today they just kind of gather.

I knew when I choose to move away from my family that I was going to be alone on the holidays. But knowing it and going through it are two different things. Overall 95% of the time I am beyond happy with my choice to move here. Just a few days here and there really hurt. I think the thing that bothers me the most is everyone rushing off to be with the ones they love and I am home alone. I do realize I could be out helping at a shelter or something but I am not that strong. I am as soft hearted as they come and being there I guarentee I will cry -not for me me but them and no one needs to be depressed.

I will get through this night and I know I just have to keep following my heart and some year I will have the Christmas of my dreams. To so many people here I want to thank you for making me smile this past year. People can call this a porn site all they want but sucks to be them because we know the truth. This blog is the one place in cyberland that I am totally free to be myself and I love it. I love seeing inside peoples lives and knowing that just because I like sex/nudity I am not a freak. Knowing that even though I am not a perfectly sized model people can find me attractive.

To everyone out there enjoy this season for the real reasons - time to spend with family and friends and show how much they mean to you, time to be with your kids and make memories to last a lifetime, and time to just let the season take over and bring out the good in people.

Merry Christmas Everyone! Be safe and have a wonderful holiday
Love Beachy

Last night I went out to see the movie Juno. I know its not widely released so I don't know where its playing, but wow such a great movie. Any movie that both makes me laugh and cry is tops in my book. Sunday I am going to see I Am Legend and well it has Will Smith so I can't go wrong!!

Anyways I am off for the day. Going out for a feast then to party afterwards.

HAHAHAAH BTW I bought a new dress last night. I walked out of the dressing room with it on and there were a bunch of girls standing there and they went WOW! So I was yeah..I think its a little too low cut. Their reply..HELL NO!! It looks fantastic and if we had a chest like that we would sure as hell be flauting it.....Interesting Now I just need to find somewhere to wear it!

So yeah my plans today got cancelled. We are burried under snow. I went out and shovelled and my back is now killing me I love living in Canada and had I had someone here to keep me company I wouldnt even mind the snow day. I just wish it would have happened during the week and not the weekend. Here are a few pics from my back yard

What was a snowman


What used to be my stairs

No No No! Not fair at all I tell you!

I have plans all weekend and what happens...a major FUCKING snowstorm. All over the holidays I barely have any plans and could care less if it snows every day for a week...but I finally have a weekend of fun and its going to storm. *grumbles loudly* I am still going out tonight but it will probably get cut short. Haha at least if I am not having a good time I have a valid reason to leave. Hopefully it will storm like a bugger all night and be done by early tomorrow am so that I can still go out tomorrow too. Especially seeing as how I was going to the new Will Smith movie so I will doubly disappointed

Snow storms are no longer fun when it doesn't mean a storm day home from school. Unless some sexy Santa gets snow bound with me. I have a few ideas on some ideal snowmen out there.

Do you know how much I freaking hate Rogers? (cable/net provider). I have had no net or cable all week which is bad but not overly so. But having to call and deal with them everyday makes me completely insane and I now understand how people go crazy and bomb companies. Jesus

Anyways with that aside its been an ok week. I am trying to not let the Christmas stuff get me down. I truly love Christmas I just get sad and depressed spending it alone. Its also looking like NYE is going to be alone to seeing as my friends are all away and with work and other stuff I can't go.

Oh well its a week to get through and haha no Christmas dinner means I can say on the diet Speaking of which. I started back into high gear with the diet this week on Monday. By Thursday I was down 7 lbs. Don't know how or why. That is insane. Today I will go again and see where I am at now. LOL I guess it was just water weight but wow does it make it easier to behave when its actually working!!!

Hehe tonight I am hitting a Leafs game with a friend though and I can see me blowing the diet. But then again with the rate my heartbeats during the game and the number of times I jump up it may even out.

Happy Saturday all. I am off to do some stuff and hit a lingerie store I haven't been to in a while. I think I need a new outfit even if I am the only one seeing it