"911 - What is your emergency?"
City Morgue, You kill em, we chill em.
Hello Clarice
The number you have dialed has been disconnected...
"Bob's Orphanage, you make 'em, we take 'em!"
Hello, please state your name, address, and credit card number.
Roadkill Cafe~You kill it, we grill it
"Florida abortion clinic, No fetus can beat us, how may i direct your call"
Wong's Laundry; if it has to be white, it has to be Wong!
"Miller's Amish farm. Sorry, we don't have a phone." *click*
"Phone tag, you're it."
Wait for *them* to say hello
Make the "beeep beeep beeep" busy tone noises and hang up
House of God, Moses speaking, how may I help you?
You are the weakest link. Goodbye
Burger King, home of the Whopper, what's your beef?
Dicks hotdogs...If you like hotdogs, you'll love dicks !!!
I told you not to call when my wife's home...
Suicide Hotline
(Name of your town) sperm bank, you spank it, we bank it! How may I help you?
Acme Funeral parlor. You stab 'em. We slab 'em.
Thank you for calling AT&T. Please listen to the following options and...
constipation inialation...are you running low on exlax?
If the person says hello fisrt scream 'Who sent You?!'
Do you have the item?
House of beauties, this is the cutie.
Joes pool shack, liquor in the front, poker in the rear
You have reached 555-1234. This number has been changed to 555-1234.
"I've got the money, just let her go, she's been through enough."
Federal Bureau of Investigation tips line, this call has been traced
hair control if you have hair we've got nair
hello "pause" hello "pause" etc
Joe's Crematorium - You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
Petes's Palace of Pleasure Pete Speaking
Can you hold on a sec? [Leave on indefinite hold]
if your a salesman hang up
speak!
bates motel.
Hello China moon
Play AOL welcome sound
Say 'sorry i have a call waiting' wait, say hi again then hang up
To learn the facts about hair replacement, press 1
"County Morgue. You stab 'em, we bag 'em."
"your last name" 's summer home, summer home, summer not.
"GO to Hell!!!!!"
"I'm waaatching you" evil laugh, click.
"Switchboard" Refuse to do anything until they give "correct password"
house of the lord god speaking
Sorry, she's dead. Can I have her call you back?
Tampax tampon service, how may I help you?
"Hi." ... "Hi." ... "Hi." ... [repeat as needed]
*burp*
Jello
You Rang?
kill her. that's all you have to do.
"Dartford swmming pool. No jumping, shouting or piddling in the shallow end.
Welcome to Palmers Garden Centre, you're speaking with a Ho
"Hi... you have reached Madam Whiplash... you've been a very naughty boy!"
Fish market. Shark speaking.
Joe's Pool Hall: you rack 'em, we crack 'em.
Mommy?
Blow a whistle into the telephone
Hello? Yes I'll have a 10 inch cheese and tomato with anchovies please.
You are on a restricted CIA phone line! Get off now!
"ABC Circumcision Clinic, you flop we chop"
"goodbye"
yessssssssssssssssssssss!!!
For the nuclear terrorism department, please press 1.
"what are you wearin'?" (while breathing heavily)
What you say !!
"Hello?" *BANG* "I've been shot..." *click*
"are you on a cell phone?!? prank call! prank call!!!"
"Hello, Jimmy's Chicken Shack. Please hold..."
"You started it."
[my name]'s house of phat nasty lovin'
At the third tone, the time will be ...
Hi, is Bob there?
if it's female: "oooooh! it's a lady!"
we/re sorry the person you are calling is dead
What do YOU want?!?!
State your last name (most Europeans do this, and it makes sense)
This is Microsoft; where do you want to go today?
fuck off

I haven't been around much this week. For some reason everything seems to be against me and I don't see much point being in chat and being a downer. To all those who have sent me a PM or prv'd me in the room know that I appreciate it very much.
My life just seems to be one constant downer lately and I can't seem to stop myself from self destructing it seems. Something had better change and change soon for the better cuz I don't know how much more of this kinda crap I want.
All I want right now is someone in my life to love me with flaws and all, who can hold me as I scream and cry and let it all out. I have a feeling it might be followed by some really outstanding sex....hehe
one special thanks..../me hugs Raj and says thanks for being a friend

May cause unwanted pregnacy
Attractive women will cause sudden stops
Odor and Sound are a normal part of operation
Alcohol will decrease accuracy
Also available in Sober
Beware, Easily Distracted
May be pacified by televised sports
Overinflating ego could be hazardous
Warning, objects are smaller than described
Erectile dysfunction is not covered under warrrenty
Noxious gases may be released from rear
if emotions are blocked, do not attempt repair, usually requires replacement
May emit toxic fumes if exposed to certain foods.
Consumption of beer may cause him to think he can sing
Attempting to change may result in emotional scaring!
Danger, does not go to Hooters ,"Just for the wings"
Do not remove shoes without appropriate protective equipment
Notice, thinks with penis
when conversing, never assume he is listening to what you say
Electric shock hazzard, do not let him "fix the wires"
Excessive alcohol will cause loss of inhabition
Spurting volcano below waist
Warning: Dirty and Messy, but You'll Fall in Love
Warning: Not for opthalmic, oral, or intravaginal use.
Hygenically Challenged
Roll over hazard, keep a firm grip on the covers
He misses his mommy

THIS IS FOR ALL THE TRUE NN CHATTERS...READ IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH. I LMAO MANY TIMES READING IT

Wet Dreams
by Kip Addotta

It was April the forty-first
Being a quadruple leap year
I was driving in downtown Atlantis
My barracuda was in the shop
So I was in a rented stingray
And it was overheating

So I pulled into a Shell Station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing
And leave my private life out of it
Okay pal?"

While they were doing that
I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive
But I knew the owner
He used to play for the Dolphins
I said "Hi Gil"
You have to yell, he's hard of herring

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream
Wet dream

Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is he was barely keeping his head below water
I bellied up to the sandbar
He poured me the usual

Rusty snail, hold the grunion
Shaken not stirred
With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side
Heavy on the mako

I slipped him a fin
On porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids
For the halibut

Well the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal
What sole

Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna
Salmon Chanted Evening
And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers
Probably there to see the bass player

One of them was this cute little yellowtail
And she's giving me the eye
So I figured this is my chance for a little fun
You know, piece of Pisces

But she said things I just couldn't fathom
She was too deep, seemed to be under a lot of pressure
Boy, could she drink
She drank like a . . .
She drank a lot

I said "What's your sign"
She said "Aquarium"
I said "Great, let's get tanked"

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream
Wet dream

I invited her to my place for a midnight bait
I said "Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows"
She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight, I gotta haddock"

And she wasn't kidding either
Cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock
I'd ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels

He came over to me and said
"Listen, shrimp, don't you come trollin' around here"
What a crab
This guy was steamed
I could see the anchor in his eyes

I turned to him, I said
"A-balone, you're just being shellfish"
Well, I knew it was going to be trouble and so did Gil
‘Cause he was already on the phone to the cods

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch
I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke but there he was
Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel
Kelpless

I said "Forget the cods Gil
This guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend
She came over to me, she said
"Hey, big boy, you're really a game fish
What's your name"
I said "Marlin"

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream
Wet dream

Well, from then on we had a whale of a time
I took her to dinner, I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders
And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble
A case of the clams

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream

1.Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait that long)
2.Thou shall not do drugs. (alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3.Thou shall not steal from K-Mart. (Walmart has a bigger selection)
4.Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5.Thou shall not steal from your parents. (everyone knows grandma has more money)
6.Thou shall not get into fights. (Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7.Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8.Thou shall not strip in class. (Hooters pays more)
9.Thou shall not think about having sex. (like Nike says, "just do it"
10.Thou shall not help old ladies across the street. (just leave'm in the middle)

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and he figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in: P... E... N... I... S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

1. Russell The One-Eyed Wonder Muscle
2. Gristle Missle
3. Pumping Pole of Penile Power
4. Bone-Her
5. Harry & the Hendersons (Hendersons are the balls)
6. Granite Edifice
7. One-Eyed Fred
8. Dip Stick
9. Piss Pump
10. Meat Wrench
11. Nightcrawler
12. Blue-veined Junket Pumper
13. Love Pump
14. Richard and the Twins
15. One Eyed Wonder Weasel
16. Ralph The Fur Faced Chicken
17. Tobias the Cheeky Monkey
18. Johnson
19. Trouser Snake
20. Tool
21. Thrill Drill
22. Sex Pistol
23. Pocket Rocket
24. One Hole Friction Whistle
25. The Pink Oboe
26. Purple-Helmeted Warrior
27. Purple-Helmeted Yogurt Thrower
28. Trouser Trout
29. Vlad The Impaler

HERE IS A LIST I FOUND... SOOOOOOO WHAT NAMES DO YOU GUYS ALL USE?? WE CALLED MY EXS LIL WILLY =0)

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering,when you are not.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4am.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named BO.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
15. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

1.Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
2.Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
3.Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
4.Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
5.It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
6.Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal.
7.Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
8.Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how!
9.Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.
10.Operator! Give me the number for 911!
11.Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
12.Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam)
13.Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
14.Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
15.Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
16.Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: (confused look) Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now?
17.Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
18.Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will!
19.Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
20.Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
21.Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then.
22.Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
23.(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).
24.What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

1.Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2.2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
3.Time between slipping on a peel & smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
4.Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
5.Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mph: Knot-furlong
6.365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
7.16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
8.Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
9.1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
10.Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
11.Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
12.1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
13.1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
14.365.25 days: 1 unicycle
15.2000 mockingbirds two kilomockingbirds
16.10 cards: 1 decacards
17.1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
18.1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
19.millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
20.1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
21.10 rations: 1 decoration
22.100 rations: 1 C-ration
23.2 monograms: 1 diagram