Fuck this town, Fuck this state, Fuck my fucked up body, Fuck my fucked up life. Fuck everything I thought I knew, Fuck everything I thought I loved, Fuck it all.

Did my first workout yesterday. I have to admit the place is a bit intimidating. Tons of equipment I have no idea what to do on, and oodles of guy with bulging muscles and women with perfectly toned bodies. Just... damn. I'm pretty much going at it alone, since K goes TOO early in the morning for me. But I dig the "Cardio-Theater" It's a darkened room, filled with elliptical machines, treadmills, and bike peddling type things. And they play movies! Lol... so that's how I spent my first hour working out yesterday. Watching a movie and sweating a lot.

After another cup of coffee, I'll start my day.. Running to the post office, then wal-mart, then back for another hour of pain.
*muwahhhhhh*

My girl K's been on my ass for the past month, wanting me to go to the gym with her. Going so far as to print out pics of me she has from last year, where ma belly was much less...noticeable. And sending me the link to a pic I posted here about 4 years ago.

So, I've broken down.. and I'm going to go. Hopefully I can manage 6 days a week, an hour a day.

Two goals..

Goal #1. Lose at least 15 lbs. I'm up to 121 now, having gained a good 20 lbs since I moved up here. And I know...I'm going to hear a lot of shit from some of ya ladies about how that's nothing, and I'm a stick. But...I'm not happy with my body anymore. When you start out on a small frame, even a gain of 3 lbs shows more than if you gain 3 lbs on a larger frame. I think 105's a good weight for me, and I felt my best when I was there.

Goal #2. Tone up. I want to look like this again:


Minus the ribs of course. I think I was around 93lbs in that photo, which was taken about 4.5 years ago.

I'm not really changing my diet too much, as I don't eat a whole lot anyway. I am cutting my beer consumption down by at least 50%, since I'll only drink beer on my days off from the bakery. So...two days a week.

Anyway, I'm not taking/posting anymore pics till I reach my goal. And again, I'm not posting this as a "Secretly, I want you all to tell me how wonderful I look right now, and it's not necessary" post. I'm posting this as a reminder to myself WHY I'm doing it. Wish me luck, huh?

Here I was, talking about how warm and beautiful it's been...then SHE blogs.... pfft.

We're due snow on Monday.. no accumulation, but..ya don't get SNOW in motherfuckin SPRING!

In other news, Dum's healing nicely...

I had a scare earlier tonight. Was at the bakery, and get an IM from dum... "BABY!!!! BABY!! CALL YOUR MOM NOW!!!"

I immediatly thought of my father, and dialed my mom's cell. No answer. Dial my lil sister's cell. No answer. I'm in the process of leaving Digoree a voicemail, when my mom calls me back. Yep. she had to take him into the ER. He was having chest pains again, and tho he rated the pain/discomfort at a 3, he DID take 3 shots of Nitro and they had no effect.

As an added bonus, my big brother had to go to the ER this morning for a black widow spider bite. He's getting released..

Ma dad's also doing well. No serious danger, and he should be home by Monday. Still... too many damn health scares in ONE FUCKING WEEK!!!

Ok, so...most of you know the pain Dummy's been in since Sunday. He FINALLY let me take him to the ER last night, and yes, he had acute appendicitis. (Tho there's nothing cute about it).

He had emergency surgery last night, and is alert and asking room service for his morning beer. (they said no, btw).

Hopefully he'll be released this afternoon.. Sorry it took me so long to get on here n tell everyone. I've been running since 8am yesterday morning...

**Hugs** When it rains, it pours, huh?

It's a lil over 60F outside, bright and sunshiney. I'm wearing short capris and a tank top, and I actually got SWEATY when I was driving around.

Amazing how a bit of a spring day after such a long hard winter will cheer ya right up!

This past week has been insane. I can't go into details about all of it, but I will when I've sorted out all the clutter in my mind.

My dear friend passed, and he hasn't been far from my thoughts. From my bribes of ass pics for every 5kg he gained, to his jokes about sawing throu my ankle chains to steal me away from dum. He was one of the first we told about our engagement, and for never having met the man face to face... I miss him terribly.

Valentines day has come and gone. I worked. A LOT. In an 8 hour shift I didn't sit down but once, and only smoked like..2 ciggs. >.< Officially made my bosses a shit-ton of money. *sighs*

I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. Hopefully soon I can re-charge my mind and body, and enjoy the lovely spring that's slowly starting to unfold.

Such a sad sad day.

I'll miss you, dear. Now who's gonna call me Chirpy? =(

Be at peace now.

I'm going through some tough things right now. Confusing ones, at that. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about everything.

There are some absolutes though.

1. I love my Dummy, now more than ever.

2. I know that Dummy loves me, imperfections and all.

3. We, together, can overcome any obstacle this fucked up thing called life will throw at us.

and lastly,

4. I'm fucking strong. I'm a goddamn WARRIOR. I may stumble, I might fall off my horse, but I pick myself up, dust my ass off, and get right back on track.

Sometimes it takes a giant kick in the ass to see the absolutes in life.

Thank you all, for the words of encouragement. And a special thanks to a few very special people who've helped me pick myself back up. I won't forget again.

So pretend I did, and give me some encouraging words, k?