check, check, one... two threeeeee

I wish a good summer to those who are in the northern hemisphere... and a lovely winter for those in the southern hemisphere.

We had our 1st day over 100 degrees f in May. It is definitely showing signs of getting up there ,soon, at this rate.

I'm going to have my Social Security Disability hearing in September... pushed out, from the original date, due to my hope to have it in person, back in May. I swaer, my chances of being approved back then were likely better then, than now. I'm being blocked by insurance, and the facilities that I need to have test me.

My mind turns into moosh by 4:30pm... so I avoid going anywhere after that, without at least a copilot ( my daughter) or someone else driving.

I'm okay. I'd like to be competent enough to remember what people say to me... and my daughter is sure she's speaking loudly enough, but I can't hear here... with the ancient evaporative cooler blowing/roaring behind me... and freezing me to bits. it's like a huige waterfall, or wind tunnel as far as I'm concerned.


I'm doing what I can, to stay as positive as possible. My daughter has been supporting both of us financially since October last year. I have been reinstated with my Long Term Disability insrance payments, so I can actually pay my share and then some, again...

I got approved for Disability Medicaid by the state of Utah.

They had hoped to be able to help me with filing for SSI as well as SSDI, but being given that income again disquaified me from getting my rep there, to state my case using all their own documentation, to support me.

I'm thankful that they kept working to help me after that blow to my support and assistance... It means that they deem me disabled and needing more support and further assistance in the future... like, with in home assistance if/as needed... rides to and from doctor's appointments, and any other needs they can cover for me... even with my income.

Do you know how much of a relief that is for me? It's tremendous.

The earthquakes that hit hard months back slowly led my building to sink and settle more... and my porch slats are separating more and more... I'm not sure it's safe any more, but I have no way to afford a better place... we're stuck for now.

I still have that amazing daughter of mine, living with me, helping with some of the monthly costs... and, the church hasn't paid a dime or helped with food, for several months.

But, she's still here.

The man I've been seeing, actually did some work on my SUV. After telling me a year ago, that he wouldn't do anything for me, ever.

Had he not actually follwed through with his claim of being willing... he just wouldn't be in my life any more. He does still distance himself when he sees how hard things are for me... it's too hard for him to watch, or experience in person.

I'm not sure how mmuch I care about myself, sexually any more. I go days, weeks, and even months without the needed exercise/ and attention to my pussy. I'm supposed to use my dilators daily. I don't even do them weekly. But I did finally get myself a set, that I had to pay for, myself since no one of my femal doctors would give me anything bigger than a thumb. The men I've been with, mi=ost of them, anyway... were enough larger, that I tear and bleed if I have sex with the guy I see... he's bigger than average, when he's aroused fully... but most of my sexual experinces have been with bigger than average to Holy shit!!! How am I supposed to get THAT to fit in me, size.

We're slowly making changes in our home. For my daughter, anyway.... not so much really for me.... not yet. The dresser I boiught for me, ended up in her room. She's not really interested in anything to do with helping Me with things that are high priced... but definitely willing to have me spend money on her.... that's just life. and it's okay for now. She's finally bouight some bigger things for herself... instead of it having to be me. I'm grateful she made her own choices, with my input.

Life moves forward, with or withoit us.
I"m trying to stay as close to up to speed as I can... it's what I can do....


I'm thinking of sharing some photos I took recently... I'll have to crop them, etc...

my guy knows I
m srill on this site.... he doesn't expect me to stop sharing photos so....

what do you thiunk?

the pix are of me in new negligee that I've recently aqured.

I have been dealing with quite a bit, due to challenges resulting in the loss of my Long Term Disability insurance payments, and my car breaking down, due to a boyfriend who refused to help before things got this bad, back in July.

Been struggling a lot, emotionally...

Then again... I'm grateful that the ex husband has become a kinder, more caring and compassionate version of himself. He's been of emotional support to our adult daughter. And willing to loan a car to us for a while, as well as helped with funds to pay the rent last month, and has offered to loan our kid the funds for the cost of parts provided that we get them within reasonable costs.

The man I've been dating for just shy of 4 years, heard about the loan of a car and must have finally registered that he NEEDED to assist with this. Expected ME to use my charge card to cover the costs of supplies.... We've been living off that card since my income ended in JULY. There's less than $80.00 USD available NOW.

So, I'm glad that he was willing to take that burden as well.... then I made the mistake of telling him of the offered LOAN, to my daughter, from her dad.

I'm working on an art project at the moment. Almost finished with the initial illustration. I'm submitting it, to a published children's book author, hoping to get the commission to do up to 30 illustrations for his upcoming book. Whether he chooses me, or not... the original will be his as a gift. This effort made me struggle more than most have in my past... I've forgotten technique ans process before. Decades of a lack of nutrients and oxygen to every cell in your body does that.

Anyway....

September is a decent month, though it's the anniversary of me and my sisters discovering neglect and abuse and horrible health issues for our mother. October is the anniversary of her passing and of Ale'x passing over to the other side of life, in my arms.

I've been visiting with a friend I met through a game I play on my phone... A man who could easily be someone here, with how lusty his soul is. He hated learning about my guy refusing to help me with my car this summer and how long it'd been since I'd seen him.... it was 3 months of him raging about everyone who was tearing him down and the hurt he's holding onto from past and present. All I can say is that triggers my own PTSD, too.

One of the things that isn't negative, is that my gaming friend and I talk about our libidos. He shares his experiences, and about himself and his life... Same here.... Reminded me of how much more I NEED touch, stimulation, sensuality and desire... and honesty, and decency.

My guy and my ex are helping with my car... One, helping with the funding to a degree.. the other with the labor... he's a Master Mechanic/A Class Tech.

My daughter got a job recently, which will eventually reduce my anxiety and panic attacks, once we get into a routine. She's been struggling all her life, with her health and her self worth... I'm hoping and praying for her, that she'll find her worth in herself, soon. She was by my side during doctor's appointments, struggles with my health and eventually the chemo and radiation after two damaging surgeries.

I'm grateful to be alive. I've got a few things to look forward to.... and hmmmm

I dunno if anyone really will read this... but I will admit, I'm coming back here, more often.

I have met so many lovely and wonderful people here... so why not?

Hugs and snuggles,
Dreamingof_U

Wishing all of you a wonderful start for this new year,,,

looking back on the challenges and trials we all deal with can be positive, or negative depending upon mood, and how much we seek to find reason to be thankful.

I am thankful for friends and family who've supported me in many ways while fighting so many battles.

I still have a lot to work towards and to push through. Yet, I've also got hope.

Yesterday the doctor from La Paz Mexico let me know that he was on his way with the shipment of stem cell treatments. He'd be met halfway from the clinic he works through in NM, to have his partner here collect the serums for several patients here. We'll be trained on how to administer it and use properly.

I've had my life on hold since mid-2017, due to my health and lack of energy.

And... I've received so much love and well wishes...

I've given what I could, to those I love, and those in need.


This year ahead brings changes.

Chances, and ups and downs for each of us here...

Here's to hope and happiness...

Here's to more joy than pain

More happiness than sorrow

And more pleasure than you imagined possible

so tired....
it seems like I'm not getting ahead... but I know that I'm trying to do everything that I can, to make life work... to enjoy it.

I've got high anxiety these days... and not enough sex...
smiles

I still need it as often as I can have it.

I'm not as wet as I once was... but I still get slick enough to slide a nice toy inside... but even better, the rare chance to slide a tick hard cock within my folds.

I wonder.... wonder if the man I'm seeing will ever really want to live with me... and actually follow through.

He's satisfied with what I see as so very little that I'm not sure I can be truly satisfied with what I HAVE knowing that he doesn't need to be together the way I do.


Ahh well.... such is life, right?

I stilll can say I'm grateful to be ALIVE.

I have a small monthly income.... and yes, I'll have to pay a portion back, but at least I've got something to help me pay bills, and some of the daily expenses.
I've known souls who lose their home and just about everything they own, in this same situation as mine.

My sister-in-law helps me still... with the $600 monthly cost of my medical coverage... without that medical insurance I couldn't have had the needed treatments for my cancer.


Oh, UPDATE: I've been discussing treatment in La Paz Mexico for almost a year, with one of the owners of the clinic/spa, who's a family friend. I still cannot afford passports or travel to get me and my daughter down there... but, for now, he's agreed to ship customized stem cell treatment to me for both my daughter's health issues, and mine.

I feel fortunate for that. stem cell treatments have helped several people lately, in so many ways.

the man in my life is one hell of a hard worker...

To be honest, only a couple men have turned me on as much as he does...

I wondered why his muscles send me into a lusty bliss... thinking back, to high school makes it easy to know why I love those muscles on muscles... the two guys who I later realized wanted to date me and fuck me who turned me on in a heart beat were muscular... one went to the gym and worked in his father's body shop, on cars, more than working on his body... the work he did built his own body rock hard. The other was a wrestler and football player on our team. Big powerful muscles everywhere on him as well. Both wore colognes that drove me wild when they'd lean in to talk about our assignments.

I was too shy then, too scared of men... But I've grown since then, and aged like a good whiskey or wine. I know what I want and what I need.

I need a relaxed and fun relationship. I need trust on both sides. I need open honesty and patience. And, I need sexual release.

I love feeling his face buried in between my legs, while he makes me cum. I love the feeling of his thick cock plunging into me... and feeling him cum when he can't take any more of my squeezing.

And I love his sexy rumble of a voice and chuckles that vibrate from him, through me. And I drool and gape at those well muscled arms and broad chest and neck..I love watching the muscles ripple across his back as he works. ANd I'm enjoying being a lusty woman who wants her man.

is something I have a very hard time going without...

my friends know that my brain gets this red haze and fog making it hard to function, back when I had a job and responsibilities that required real effort.

I need touch, intimacy and the sensuality if it all... I need the orgasms to clear away the fog.

My boyfriend isn't used to a woman like me. He had times between sex lasting easily 18 months. I can NOT fathom going without, let alone ever want to put the man I want through that kind of torture!!! Let alone myself... Hmmmm

nope. I cringe and get frustrated without it more than a week or two.

We often talk of sex, and hint of need and want. But still... while we don't live together... we go without regularly. Making up for lost time is something I need.

I get anxious after too long a time. And insecure, even though he's made it very clear I'm the only woman he wants.

I've had men lie, cheat, and walk away. I was married for over 25 years to the same man... a man who cheated on me, thought I had cheated on him multiple times... And, well... he fell in love over and over with other women, and let women flirt brazenly in front of me with him... rubbing against him... touching him in ways I only had touched him.... I was used to being unwanted, and abused.

But even with that, I wanted to be with the man I married.

I've been gratefully divorced for over 5 years now. and separated even longer.

I've learned what oral given to a woman feels like... and refuse to go without it, especially since every man I've been with wanted me to give him blow jobs.

I love giving pleasure and turning a man on by playing with myself... touching, moaning, enjoying orgasms on my own... or giving them when my craving for the flavor and moans is strong enough to make going down and deep throating necessary to me.

something about having a cock in hand, or licking a head, teasing a swirling tongue over shaft and head... and draining him dry...

even better, feeling stubble against my thigh... nose lips teeth, eye lashes, chin... all down there, where I can feel every move, feel every lick and nibble... carresses, and penetration... mmmmm, I love the feeling of a man between my legs. KNowing he becomes so engorged and ready that he cannot hold back any longer... plunging his hard cock deep inside me.

I've become dry compared to how I used to be... still... with enough teasing, touch, kisses, rubbing... and thrusting... mmmmmm, I still become amazingly wet... and slick. sooo, very slick that he slips easily in and out of my pussy... cumming deeply inside me, enough to gush and overflow....

God, how I miss daily sex.... maybe, one day...

maybe.

radiation treatment.

Because of how poorly I'm doing, and the issues with my stage III cancer, they've got to monitor every treatment. My kidneys and liver are in failure status. Kinda scary if I think too much about it... I don't want to think too hard.

I've had to file for Social Security Disability benefits per rules of my Long Term disability plan coverage. I get it... and I'm glad to apply, even though I doubt I'll qualify.


Yesterday was my first treatment of radiation. I did okay.


My boyfriend's on edge. He worries about me. He knows how hard it was for me to lose my mother and my fiance a few years back... add that my dad's cancer is the same one as the fiance. He lost his dad, too... to bladder cancer. Anyway, cancer has become almost a normal diagnosis lately.. so many people I know fighting it.

I've gotten to spend time with him more the last few days than I had for over a month. Not spending time with someone who's so important in my life... for over 5 weeks, wasn't easy.

I admit I tend to get insecure. I've been with players, fakers, liars and losers... This one struggles financially. But he's dear, kind, caring and most important.. he's genuine, sincere and he's made it clear that I matter, not just to him, but his family, too. So... I stay with him.

It's not easy living in this horrible rickety and tiny apartment. I have wanted to move for so long now.. and having to sign another full year lease contract hurt. But what can you do, when you need to save money when they hike the rate up in a big jump.

Gotta do what I've got to do, in order to stay in a home. That's what I do.

I'm letting my hair grow out. It's soft, fine and mostly clear or pale blonde. My eye lashes are now stubby little clear things and my eye brows barely show, but they do partially, so at least I can add liner to it, to fill in the patches.

Cancer being the main focus of your life isn't easy, or pleasant... but this is life, for now.

My mind wanders, I find that I've stashed things in weird places and forget most of the things that are important to get done, or to simply KNOW. I don't feel like myself at all right now.

Such is life... I have fought my way through so much in life already... I'm not going to stop just because of this.

Next entry... it'll be about one of the things that's important in my life... SEX. Gotta have it. It's a must, for my brain and body.

I've LOVED being able to catch up with a few dears here, that I've missed the last few years.

I can't seem to be able to create a link to my photos any longer... Then again, I used to beg friends with premium to open links for photos I'd send them, and ask them to message me the link to them, so I could post in my blog here...

I wanted to share a photo... from my perspective, of me lounging on my bed... legs crossed, my dress hitched up, and showing my relaxed pose.

No, not naked... just me. Resting.

I'm still trying to recover from chemotherapy, before having to begin the radiation treatments.

NOT looking forward to those... but I cannot afford a full passport and the needed trip to Mexico for stem cell treatments instead of the harsh radiation therapy.

I've lost fat and muscle due to chemo and simply due to the removal of that too large mass in my abdomen.

I'm grateful to be alive... Simply thankful to be able to function at all.

I went to a concert venue for local musicians and bands... two are big enough names to be recognized globally.... and a few of you've even seen, or met them in person.

I was blessed to get my ticket paid for by the owners of The Royal.. as in Royal Bliss knew I was coming to a concert again... finally.

I was assured of the ticket by one of my favorite NON-NNer's in the world.. (well. hmmm, he MIGHT be one actually) anyway.. a singer Spencer, who's been in closer touch with me than most people tend to be. He'd backed off when I threatened him with a bowl f my stew... and I told him I've got a boyfriend. He'd opened with, I know you're a girl who needs a relationship... it took a lot of guts to let him know the truth... mostly because of my uber crush on him.

Anyway, that's been sorted... and he's respectful of my choice.

The concert was great. I got to see him perform old and new songs, and covers as well... got to meet the family of a little girl who's fighting for her life with a rare childhood brain cancer.

I loved that girl because Spencer loves her and her family... Now I love them even more, because of their strength and determination.


I was given my own special place to sit up next to the stage by the guys in American Hitmen... And missed the performance of one of my other favorite bands... Royal Bliss... because I was getting nausea from my chemo treatment a few days prior to their performance...

But that was my first concert in years... and I'm determined to go to more. I love my friends too much to NOT attend their performances.

I love music and musicians.. I loved singing back when I could... before my throat was damaged permanently. I still croak out along with songs in my car or at home, now and then...

I miss my friends, here and other places...

wishing hugs around you...

still bald and struggling with cancer.... still have a long long way to go. But I'm hopeful. I HAVE to be. I'm not ready to give up on myself.

I've got too much to live for... including plenty of the people that I love.